There has been so much change here in the last several months. One of the things about me is that I seem to thrive on change. One can be assured that I will have some new plan cooking up every 6-12 weeks. Motherhood suits me well in this aspect, as I am really engaged by the 'changyness' of my kids. They grow and learn at such a rapid rate that my whole life seems to shift frequently....and that is perfect for me.
Professionally, several really great things have happened in the last several months. I was finally awarded my undergraduate degree after much debate and waiting. Because I must reinvent myself habitually, I left my university studies to become a massage therapist back in 2002. There was a bit of a hiccup with my credits from massage school transferring back to my university. It was supposed to be seamless transition, but it ended up with my degree being in a 5 year state of stasis. I know am the proud recipient of my Bachelor's degree in Sociology!!! It feels a bit surreal and like a non-event. I may have to borrow a cap and gown and walk around my house for a few hours. It will probably feel more real once the 'piece of paper' arrives in the mail.
I also have completed my birth doula certification that I started in 2003. My best friend and doula partner has left her job and moved closer, in part, to pursue a doula practice together. It is so exciting to move forward with something I love so much with a friend who is equally as excited and passionate about serving women at such a special time in life.
I also ditched the bad massage gig I had going and am preparing to see clients out of my home. My sweet Big Daddy has been helping me get my new massage room ready with lots of painting, sanding, mad math skills, measurement, and hardware installation.. I have really always wanted to practice out of my home. One day I woke up and asked myself, 'why not?!'. It is really a great process to create my own work environment from scratch.
My diva child has been learning how to use the potty & is slated to start preschool this fall. I am enjoying the sweetness and simplicity of this summer with the knowledge that I don't really know what Autumn is going to hold for her or me. I know she will do well in preschool and that she is very ready, but I pause to sigh and wonder where her babyhood has gone.
My man puppy is a walking talking baby who has recently weaned at 14 months. His chubby baby feet and soft baby curls on the back of his head are the last little outward signs of his infancy. I have two little children now, no babies. I was happy to see him through 14 months of breastfeeding, a little relieved that it is finished, but with a very slight pang of 'oh, my baby is big now'.
All of our life changes are not limited to me and the kiddos. My husband is starting a new job in a few weeks that has been hard fought and greatly anticipated. It involves some minimal international travel and may offer us the opportunity to live in Europe some time in the distant future.
It is strange to have so many big life changes unfolding in a complimentary manner. Sometimes it is very clear when you are entering a very special phase of life. I have a strong feeling this is one of those times where things are just a little easier, a little sweeter, and very special.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
The slow transition from information overload to ignorance
I like to know what is going on in the world. In fact, I remember reading my grandmother's Newsweek magazines when I was as young as 9. I loved to try and make sense of the political world around me through the political cartoons and bullet point articles. From an early age there was a lot of talk radio, newspapers, TV news, and news magazines floating around my life. I would ask my gram lots of questions about current events. There was political debate in my home for as long as I can remember.
Maybe my long standing interest in the political world is why it feels so foreign for me to be so hopelessly uninformed at the moment. It's not that I decided one day to check out, it slowly happened.
My diva child is 3. She is sensitive, intuitive, and engaged with her surroundings. Nothing slips past her radar. By the time she was 1 or so, it became apparent that I could no longer watch the news when she was in the room. This was due to my own emotional reaction in addition to shielding her from the acutal content.
When Hurricane Katrina was slowly lumbering towards the Gulf coast I was in the first trimester of my pregnancy with Man Puppy and diva child was about 14 months old. I just sat there, jaw dropped and obsessed. Why weren't people leaving? Why wasn't anyone making them leave. Once the whole mess was underway I, like many people, just couldn't understand how in America the poor could be discarded and tossed aside for 'later'. I cried every time the news was on. I really couldn't take it in while growing a baby and caring for my other baby. The anger and sense of helplessness I had while just watching was overwhelming.
To a lesser degree, the daily news bristled me. I don't believe it is just motherhood that has softened me; I think the images of 'the news' have gotten more graphic, more raw...just more everything. So we really need to see the video of the convenience store clerk being shot in the face? (Oh but it's okay, because he survived, right??) Did we really need to see the actual video of a bomb exploding in the midst of a bunch of unsuspecting every-day folks going about their lives? How can these images be sandwiched between the latest starlet 'news' and the weather with only 5 seconds of a description to go with the gut wrenching images? Am I to then believe that daily life is just that much more dangerous?
I don't want to be undisturbed. I really don't want my children to become immune to such imagery. I don't want to see it. I want to be able to know what is going on without the assault of visual violence everywhere I turn.
There has to be a balance. While this has been the summer of blissful ignorance in our house, I feel the weight of responsibility to be informed.
Post your best on line news links! I need to shake this baby up.
Maybe my long standing interest in the political world is why it feels so foreign for me to be so hopelessly uninformed at the moment. It's not that I decided one day to check out, it slowly happened.
My diva child is 3. She is sensitive, intuitive, and engaged with her surroundings. Nothing slips past her radar. By the time she was 1 or so, it became apparent that I could no longer watch the news when she was in the room. This was due to my own emotional reaction in addition to shielding her from the acutal content.
When Hurricane Katrina was slowly lumbering towards the Gulf coast I was in the first trimester of my pregnancy with Man Puppy and diva child was about 14 months old. I just sat there, jaw dropped and obsessed. Why weren't people leaving? Why wasn't anyone making them leave. Once the whole mess was underway I, like many people, just couldn't understand how in America the poor could be discarded and tossed aside for 'later'. I cried every time the news was on. I really couldn't take it in while growing a baby and caring for my other baby. The anger and sense of helplessness I had while just watching was overwhelming.
To a lesser degree, the daily news bristled me. I don't believe it is just motherhood that has softened me; I think the images of 'the news' have gotten more graphic, more raw...just more everything. So we really need to see the video of the convenience store clerk being shot in the face? (Oh but it's okay, because he survived, right??) Did we really need to see the actual video of a bomb exploding in the midst of a bunch of unsuspecting every-day folks going about their lives? How can these images be sandwiched between the latest starlet 'news' and the weather with only 5 seconds of a description to go with the gut wrenching images? Am I to then believe that daily life is just that much more dangerous?
I don't want to be undisturbed. I really don't want my children to become immune to such imagery. I don't want to see it. I want to be able to know what is going on without the assault of visual violence everywhere I turn.
There has to be a balance. While this has been the summer of blissful ignorance in our house, I feel the weight of responsibility to be informed.
Post your best on line news links! I need to shake this baby up.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Great MD Appointment
What a complete relief. I had my appointment with the surgeon and she is sure that everything is **FINE**.
The stuff we were palpating is, apparently, just dense breast tissue. The calcifications that were found on the films were really normal, but we will follow up with more imagery in 6 months to make sure they aren't changing in a way that would cause concern. The lumps we could feel were not the calcifications. That was not clear to me after having the mammogram and ultrasound. That could have been because I was totally freaked out or it could have been because no one made that distinction.
Either way, I'm done. I am back to my carefree summer. I am so relieved to have the mental space back that the fear of the unknown was occupying.
The stuff we were palpating is, apparently, just dense breast tissue. The calcifications that were found on the films were really normal, but we will follow up with more imagery in 6 months to make sure they aren't changing in a way that would cause concern. The lumps we could feel were not the calcifications. That was not clear to me after having the mammogram and ultrasound. That could have been because I was totally freaked out or it could have been because no one made that distinction.
Either way, I'm done. I am back to my carefree summer. I am so relieved to have the mental space back that the fear of the unknown was occupying.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
just a bit more
So, I will be meeting with a surgeon in a week and a half. It is a second opinion of sorts. They will review the images and talk about what they feel is the best course of action here. The radiologist felt comfortable with a 6 month follow up of mammography and ultrasound. Having other physicians review the images and give their opinions can't be a bad thing.
It's still probably nothing. That being said, there is something in me that isn't normal and shouldn't be there and it is scary.
Nothing has changed. I am just going one step at a time. Admittedly, I hate throwing all of the stupid words around. I feel a bit like maybe I am sharing too much in my blog. I want to talk this to death, but I don't want to talk about it to just anyone.
It is a weird paradox. I am sure there are people who know me who are reading this stuff here and are hearing this from my blog. I really am fine. I just have to get this out somewhere where there isn't a lot of pressure or expectation about how I am supposed to feel about all of this.
On one hand I feel like I am over reacting. On the other hand, who isn't scared to death of words like: lump, breast tissue, mammogram, surgeon, breast cancer center.
I have to say I feel very fortunate that I am at least getting appointments in short order. I feel so ignorant and uninformed about the kind of procedures and doctor world I am walking into.
When I was pregnant I had the background of having been a doula, I knew all the words. I understood birth as normal. All of the reading I devoured added to what I had already experienced with other women. It was preparing for something joys and wonderful.
I am doing my best to step away from 'the google' for now. I want more information, but I am afraid of scaring myself shitless with worst case scenarios that I don't understand. I don't even know what to read or where to go other than where I have been referred.
I'm so out of my element and am hanging on to the 'its really probably nothing' with all that I have.
I am about 90% sure that it is nothing, but 10% of me is very afraid that it is something big, bad, ugly, and scary.
It's still probably nothing. That being said, there is something in me that isn't normal and shouldn't be there and it is scary.
Nothing has changed. I am just going one step at a time. Admittedly, I hate throwing all of the stupid words around. I feel a bit like maybe I am sharing too much in my blog. I want to talk this to death, but I don't want to talk about it to just anyone.
It is a weird paradox. I am sure there are people who know me who are reading this stuff here and are hearing this from my blog. I really am fine. I just have to get this out somewhere where there isn't a lot of pressure or expectation about how I am supposed to feel about all of this.
On one hand I feel like I am over reacting. On the other hand, who isn't scared to death of words like: lump, breast tissue, mammogram, surgeon, breast cancer center.
I have to say I feel very fortunate that I am at least getting appointments in short order. I feel so ignorant and uninformed about the kind of procedures and doctor world I am walking into.
When I was pregnant I had the background of having been a doula, I knew all the words. I understood birth as normal. All of the reading I devoured added to what I had already experienced with other women. It was preparing for something joys and wonderful.
I am doing my best to step away from 'the google' for now. I want more information, but I am afraid of scaring myself shitless with worst case scenarios that I don't understand. I don't even know what to read or where to go other than where I have been referred.
I'm so out of my element and am hanging on to the 'its really probably nothing' with all that I have.
I am about 90% sure that it is nothing, but 10% of me is very afraid that it is something big, bad, ugly, and scary.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
In a Moment
My day was a lot of fragmented moments. I had my annual midwifery/OB/GYN exam, tentative plans to go to the pool with friends, and the basic mommy stuff.
I dropped Diva Child off to play with a friend while I took the baby along to my MD appointment. Just another thing to check off my list before moving on to another task. I was happy to see my sweet midwife who has seen me through both of my pregnancies and births.
As she was chatting with me and doing a breast exam she stopped. She made a face. And she palpated some more. She asked me if it was tender, and I said it wasn't. She showed me what she felt, and indeed, a lump.
The rest of the appointment is rather a blur. I was given a few pamphlets about breast health put out by a local women's health cancer center. I was given MD orders for ultrasound and a mammogram. They made an appointment for me while I was in the office for later that afternoon.
I don't know that I can describe the combination of stunned shock, fear, and 'talking myself down' I was doing in the few hours between when I left the office and arrived at the radiology place.
I am only thirty years old. I am healthy. No one in my family has cancer. I don't have any risk factors for breast cancer. I had my kids in my 20's. I breastfed both children and am still nursing my son. This can not be anything. I am a mother. I have to take care of my kids, I can not be sick....
I pretty much rolled all of that around my brain all day feeling really grateful that I was going to be seen the same day. I felt stupid for not knowing there was a lump in my own breast. How could I not feel that? I felt shitty that I felt entitled to be healthy. I shouldn't have cancer. Who the hell deserves cancer anyway....I think every last women who has felt a lump in her breast must go through all the reasons she shouldn't be sick.
So I had my mammogram and ultrasound. I have calcifications in one breast. It doesn't seem to be anything all that alarming or scary. It isn't a 'mass', it is a small group of calcifications that may go away, may change, or may just stay the same. I go back to repeat the same tests in 6 months to see if there are any changes.
I am rattled. I am fine. I did not like the places my brain was going when the fear of all of this started creeping up my throat. I want to be very old and tired when it is time to leave this earth. I want to mother my children into adulthood and love on their children.
As an aside, getting a mammogram was no.big.deal. I got very freaked out while waiting because there were all kinds of directions about how uncomfortable I might feel afterwards, how their may be some discoloration from the compression. That I could take Tylenol for the discomfort. They were initially reluctant to do the mammogram today due to the fact that I am still nursing. Lactating breast tissue is especially dense and hard to photograph, and supposedly very uncomfortable.
I was really nervous when she took the first image....I kept waiting for it to hurt. When I realized she was moving the machine around for a new image I nervously laughed out loud and said 'that's it??!'
Really, thank God that's it....
I dropped Diva Child off to play with a friend while I took the baby along to my MD appointment. Just another thing to check off my list before moving on to another task. I was happy to see my sweet midwife who has seen me through both of my pregnancies and births.
As she was chatting with me and doing a breast exam she stopped. She made a face. And she palpated some more. She asked me if it was tender, and I said it wasn't. She showed me what she felt, and indeed, a lump.
The rest of the appointment is rather a blur. I was given a few pamphlets about breast health put out by a local women's health cancer center. I was given MD orders for ultrasound and a mammogram. They made an appointment for me while I was in the office for later that afternoon.
I don't know that I can describe the combination of stunned shock, fear, and 'talking myself down' I was doing in the few hours between when I left the office and arrived at the radiology place.
I am only thirty years old. I am healthy. No one in my family has cancer. I don't have any risk factors for breast cancer. I had my kids in my 20's. I breastfed both children and am still nursing my son. This can not be anything. I am a mother. I have to take care of my kids, I can not be sick....
I pretty much rolled all of that around my brain all day feeling really grateful that I was going to be seen the same day. I felt stupid for not knowing there was a lump in my own breast. How could I not feel that? I felt shitty that I felt entitled to be healthy. I shouldn't have cancer. Who the hell deserves cancer anyway....I think every last women who has felt a lump in her breast must go through all the reasons she shouldn't be sick.
So I had my mammogram and ultrasound. I have calcifications in one breast. It doesn't seem to be anything all that alarming or scary. It isn't a 'mass', it is a small group of calcifications that may go away, may change, or may just stay the same. I go back to repeat the same tests in 6 months to see if there are any changes.
I am rattled. I am fine. I did not like the places my brain was going when the fear of all of this started creeping up my throat. I want to be very old and tired when it is time to leave this earth. I want to mother my children into adulthood and love on their children.
As an aside, getting a mammogram was no.big.deal. I got very freaked out while waiting because there were all kinds of directions about how uncomfortable I might feel afterwards, how their may be some discoloration from the compression. That I could take Tylenol for the discomfort. They were initially reluctant to do the mammogram today due to the fact that I am still nursing. Lactating breast tissue is especially dense and hard to photograph, and supposedly very uncomfortable.
I was really nervous when she took the first image....I kept waiting for it to hurt. When I realized she was moving the machine around for a new image I nervously laughed out loud and said 'that's it??!'
Really, thank God that's it....
Friday, June 22, 2007
An Eco-Diet
I am so happy to read the beginnings of Girls for Glaciers. Karen has posted a warm bloggy welcome to them and I just had to mention them as well.
I have also been semi obsessed lately with living in a more thoughtful way in regards to our environment. It started off with me never wanting to clean my bathroom that is attached to the master bathroom because Man Puppy was always napping/sleeping in our room and it always seemed too like the fumes were too strong.
That got me thinking....why would I want to protect him from fumes and not the rest of us? I am endlessly convicted that at a base level, the stuff I want to protect my vulnerable babies from is the stuff that we could all do without.
I gingerly started the process of cleaning with vinegar, baking soda, and essential oils. As I was deconstructing my initial distaste for that vinegar smell....I wondered why I am so accepting of that 'clean' bleach smell? It has been a paradigm shift for me. But truly, that strong vinegar smell dissipates quickly even if you don't use essential oils. I have to say, my bathrooms and kitchen sparkle with my crunchy cleaning products. Vinegar is as effective as bleach and a whole lot better for everyone. It turns out vinegar and baking soda even works on the pee spots on your carpet from potty learning pre-schoolers.
I also transitioned to using reusable shopping bags and totes at the grocery store. I am trying to now wrap my mind around using them everywhere. It is really silly that I think bags=grocery store. What about Target? What about other stores? I don't need disposable bags. We are getting there, slowly but surely.
I was very excited to purchase a share at a local organic CSA. Sadly, I submitted my payment too late and they had already sold all of the shares for the season. There are many local farm stands I can visit, and there is always next year.
This article about plastic in our ocean's made me want to wordlessly rock in a corner for a few days. My friend Karen gave me a heads up about Ikea's glass storage in various sizes. Not only do they look pretty and stack nicely and securely, they are glass with a plastic seal and glass lid. Less plastic in contact with food seems like it could only be a good thing.
I still need to work on my addiction to zip lock baggies. A message board friend mailed me some wax paper bags, and I have started to use more wax paper in general. I think the wax paper bags could work wonderfully for packing up dry snacks in the diaper bag. I am not as concerned about pretzels in a zip lock plastic bag when it comes to health, but again, I am trying to leave my dependence on disposable plastic bags behind. If it has a minuscule or possible health benefit, that would be icing I suppose!
Karen also passed along a recipe for laundry soap. I am sure it is less toxic to the environment and it seems to be cheaper. It feels like a lofty goal this morning, but I think I will give it a try! I have stopped using my beloved dryer sheets when I discovered that they are one of the most toxic things in our homes.
There are a lot of other things I want to work on. Anyone know of a solution for automatic diswashwers? I came across something that says the soap residue on our dishes is a carcinogen.
Baby steps....baby steps.
Please, offer up your best simple ideas in the comments, or better yet at Girls for Glaciers.
I have also been semi obsessed lately with living in a more thoughtful way in regards to our environment. It started off with me never wanting to clean my bathroom that is attached to the master bathroom because Man Puppy was always napping/sleeping in our room and it always seemed too like the fumes were too strong.
That got me thinking....why would I want to protect him from fumes and not the rest of us? I am endlessly convicted that at a base level, the stuff I want to protect my vulnerable babies from is the stuff that we could all do without.
I gingerly started the process of cleaning with vinegar, baking soda, and essential oils. As I was deconstructing my initial distaste for that vinegar smell....I wondered why I am so accepting of that 'clean' bleach smell? It has been a paradigm shift for me. But truly, that strong vinegar smell dissipates quickly even if you don't use essential oils. I have to say, my bathrooms and kitchen sparkle with my crunchy cleaning products. Vinegar is as effective as bleach and a whole lot better for everyone. It turns out vinegar and baking soda even works on the pee spots on your carpet from potty learning pre-schoolers.
I also transitioned to using reusable shopping bags and totes at the grocery store. I am trying to now wrap my mind around using them everywhere. It is really silly that I think bags=grocery store. What about Target? What about other stores? I don't need disposable bags. We are getting there, slowly but surely.
I was very excited to purchase a share at a local organic CSA. Sadly, I submitted my payment too late and they had already sold all of the shares for the season. There are many local farm stands I can visit, and there is always next year.
This article about plastic in our ocean's made me want to wordlessly rock in a corner for a few days. My friend Karen gave me a heads up about Ikea's glass storage in various sizes. Not only do they look pretty and stack nicely and securely, they are glass with a plastic seal and glass lid. Less plastic in contact with food seems like it could only be a good thing.
I still need to work on my addiction to zip lock baggies. A message board friend mailed me some wax paper bags, and I have started to use more wax paper in general. I think the wax paper bags could work wonderfully for packing up dry snacks in the diaper bag. I am not as concerned about pretzels in a zip lock plastic bag when it comes to health, but again, I am trying to leave my dependence on disposable plastic bags behind. If it has a minuscule or possible health benefit, that would be icing I suppose!
Karen also passed along a recipe for laundry soap. I am sure it is less toxic to the environment and it seems to be cheaper. It feels like a lofty goal this morning, but I think I will give it a try! I have stopped using my beloved dryer sheets when I discovered that they are one of the most toxic things in our homes.
There are a lot of other things I want to work on. Anyone know of a solution for automatic diswashwers? I came across something that says the soap residue on our dishes is a carcinogen.
Baby steps....baby steps.
Please, offer up your best simple ideas in the comments, or better yet at Girls for Glaciers.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Something in the air
I live near my childhood home. 7 miles from home to be exact.
I was pitching in last night to let the dog out while my parents were away. It was that beautiful twilight time of day...a humid but cool Summer evening. My kids were safe in their beds while big daddy was doing stuff at home. I had some good tunes going with my windows open and I was immediately transported back at least a decade. That car ride filled me with the carefree feeling I had for all of my teenage years and early 20's.
Once at home, I took my old man childhood dog out and ran around the back yard with him. For brief moments, I really could have been 16...except both the dog and I are a bit more haggard then when I really was 16. To be honest, the dog is more haggard than *I* am...of course!
I went in my quiet home....rifled through the fridge to see if they had anything good and sat at the kitchen table. I could almost see and hear my grandmother sitting in her chair in her room with the TV squawking loudly. I closed my eyes for a minute and could feel the heat from all of her bedroom lights, see the paper clutter on her little table, neatly organized in piles. I really wanted to ask her if she had heard any good celeb dirt today. I wanted to brag on my babies.
While I was sitting at the kitchen table I saw a checkbook. Being nosy as I am, I picked it up and flipped through it. It was my grams check register. No checks, but her neatly balanced register in her distinct handwriting. I read each line like it would mean something. 'Gift for Mama Sarita....ATM withdrawl...Blair's....Lodge Dues.
There was an abrupt blue line where the handwriting changed to my mother's script. The things started to be sad purchases .... The Eatery (catering for the funeral reception), something monuments....Church....medical bill payments.
Even though she has been gone for 2 years this week, my bigger than life gram's presence is greatly missed. I want to hear more scandalous stories about island life 50 years ago. I want to talk about how Tom Cruise has totally flipped his shit...and what a damn shame it is for someone who is so good looking. I want to know my Gram's theories about what the merits and drawbacks of Scientology are and how that has played a role... I want to play devil's advocate when my gram blathers on and on about the greatness and wonder of the almighty Oprah...you know, the important life conversations.
I want to learn how to decorate a cake....what did she leave out of the instructions for the family birthday cake?? I want to bicker with her a little. I want her to be in awe of her great grandchildren like she was when we all lived together for Diva Child's first year of life. I wish she could have met Man Puppy. I want to sit at the kitchen table with her....her in her seat, mine across from her as we drink coffee and talk about how its too damn sunny in the kitchen.
The evening was such a sensual experience. Between the perfect temp of the air, the light of the end of the day, the smell of my childhood home, and seeing my gram's handwriting, I may have believed that I had fallen back into time. Gram was gone at a lodge event, my parents were out ...Dad at a baseball game, my mom doing some mom thing....my brother was out with friends, and I had stopped home to shower and change before a night out on the town flirting and laughing with friends.
It is amazing to me just how close we are to a different time and place; how quickly it is all recalled and felt. I wonder if I will feel the same reckless thrill at age 75 when driving down the road on a summer evening; windows down & music cranking?
I was pitching in last night to let the dog out while my parents were away. It was that beautiful twilight time of day...a humid but cool Summer evening. My kids were safe in their beds while big daddy was doing stuff at home. I had some good tunes going with my windows open and I was immediately transported back at least a decade. That car ride filled me with the carefree feeling I had for all of my teenage years and early 20's.
Once at home, I took my old man childhood dog out and ran around the back yard with him. For brief moments, I really could have been 16...except both the dog and I are a bit more haggard then when I really was 16. To be honest, the dog is more haggard than *I* am...of course!
I went in my quiet home....rifled through the fridge to see if they had anything good and sat at the kitchen table. I could almost see and hear my grandmother sitting in her chair in her room with the TV squawking loudly. I closed my eyes for a minute and could feel the heat from all of her bedroom lights, see the paper clutter on her little table, neatly organized in piles. I really wanted to ask her if she had heard any good celeb dirt today. I wanted to brag on my babies.
While I was sitting at the kitchen table I saw a checkbook. Being nosy as I am, I picked it up and flipped through it. It was my grams check register. No checks, but her neatly balanced register in her distinct handwriting. I read each line like it would mean something. 'Gift for Mama Sarita....ATM withdrawl...Blair's....Lodge Dues.
There was an abrupt blue line where the handwriting changed to my mother's script. The things started to be sad purchases .... The Eatery (catering for the funeral reception), something monuments....Church....medical bill payments.
Even though she has been gone for 2 years this week, my bigger than life gram's presence is greatly missed. I want to hear more scandalous stories about island life 50 years ago. I want to talk about how Tom Cruise has totally flipped his shit...and what a damn shame it is for someone who is so good looking. I want to know my Gram's theories about what the merits and drawbacks of Scientology are and how that has played a role... I want to play devil's advocate when my gram blathers on and on about the greatness and wonder of the almighty Oprah...you know, the important life conversations.
I want to learn how to decorate a cake....what did she leave out of the instructions for the family birthday cake?? I want to bicker with her a little. I want her to be in awe of her great grandchildren like she was when we all lived together for Diva Child's first year of life. I wish she could have met Man Puppy. I want to sit at the kitchen table with her....her in her seat, mine across from her as we drink coffee and talk about how its too damn sunny in the kitchen.
The evening was such a sensual experience. Between the perfect temp of the air, the light of the end of the day, the smell of my childhood home, and seeing my gram's handwriting, I may have believed that I had fallen back into time. Gram was gone at a lodge event, my parents were out ...Dad at a baseball game, my mom doing some mom thing....my brother was out with friends, and I had stopped home to shower and change before a night out on the town flirting and laughing with friends.
It is amazing to me just how close we are to a different time and place; how quickly it is all recalled and felt. I wonder if I will feel the same reckless thrill at age 75 when driving down the road on a summer evening; windows down & music cranking?
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Another Special Birthday
~~~Disclaimer: I can't figure out the stupid formatting for these pictures, so you will have to figure out the chronological order all on your own!~~~
Dear Diva Child,
Nothing has altered my life in a more significant way than your arrival into my being. From the moment I knew you were there I was forever changed. I knew you were my daughter. As I walked from the medical building on Sept. 11, 2003 back to my job, my hands instinctively went to rest on my not-yet-changed belly and I acknowledged you. I knew in that instant, when it was just you and me, that my heart would swell in joy and pride and would also feel the sharp needling pain that comes with the of loving of a child....my child, my daughter, my diva child. I couldn't believe I was pregnant! It was the best most delightful surprise of my life. I could hardly contain my excitement; I was sure that I was the luckiest person alive.
You are white hot. White like the hottest star. You and I share an intensity that creates a closeness that I hardly have words for. You read my mind on a daily basis. I think something, you say it out loud. I see the wheels turning in your head and understand you. I totally get that you need your socks just so. I know that you like to snuggle, but just not too close. When you say to me "I so sustrated!!!!!(frustrated) Hmph !" I also get that. I'm sure you picked that up from me.
Now that you are three I know that you need to venture out a bit more. I am ready, sort of. I think you feel the same. I know that is why you walk so close to the edge in everything. You need to be independent, and you need to know Mama is there, no matter what. Even when you so obviously cross the line with me.
Diva Child, I love you so much. Being my first born, I am riveted by just about everything you say and do. I love your spunk, your kindness, your clear sense of self. I love your snuggles and your deep connection to me. I love that, some days, you think you want to off me so that you can marry Daddy. I love that you squeal in delight when your father walks in the door each night. It has never unsettled me, it has always made me glad that you are also so connected and attached to Daddy. I am proud of what a wonderful sister you are to Man Puppy. Your tenderness and patience with him from the first moment has humbled me. Even now that he is only a pound lighter than you and pummels you as brothers do, you maintain a sweetness...even when he grabs those bouncy curls and yanks!
Thank you for turning my life upside down and making me your Mama. I have learned so much about myself through you and because of you. I could never have foreseen how wonderful my life as a mom could be.
With all of my heart,
Mama
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
frustration
You know, I really want to write a really eloquent piece about the sorry state of childcare in America. I am too tired, frustrated and angry, so I will just vent.
At my massage gig there is short term childcare available. Part of me practicing where I work is that my children can play while I am giving massages. The longest they are ever there is 3 hours at a time, and that is not often. I guess I just assumed that people working there really like kids and are happy to be there. It turns out I have made all kinds of assumptions that 'made and ass out of you and me' so to speak.
Its a million little paper cuts. That is pretty much the only way I can describe the situation. There are lots of things from childcare to many other concerns but I will stick to the two most recent problems with the baby room.
I have had to explain, multiple times that Scooby-Do is not appropriate for my children to watch. My child has said out loud to the care provider in front of me that ITS TOO SCARY to then be told that it would be turned off if it 'got too scary'. HELLOOOO that is what the child just SAID.
After this happened and it had been the fourth time I had spoken to the person who works that day, I went up a level. I was told I should 'remind them each time'. I know she only sees me and my kid once a week, but I know I do not need 4 reminders about something like that. Especially when a child is standing in front of me telling me they are frightened.
I have happily packed sippy cups of rice milk or water for my kids. I have packed along things for them to eat each and every time I have gone there with my children. After several days of diarrhea from my diva child I inquired, with the not yet 3 year old, if she had shared any snacks with any other kids while at mommy's work. My child listed off a bunch of snacks she happily has shared with her friends. Except my child has a dairy allergy. I was under the, apparently misguided, impression that kids would eat what their mommies packed and that the adult there would supervise that.
Diva child has had a very very upset belly for a week now. 3-4 bad messy diapers a day and a flaming red tiny hiney to match.
Today when I very very nicely explained that my kids were only to share with each other the snacks I had provided due to allergies.....and could you, dear grown-up please help diva child with that, she turned to my child and said "No stealing snacks today diva child"....
Yeah....because not yet three year olds should be held responsible when left in the care of paid adults who are supposed to care for them and protect them.
I'm completely livid. I am trying to stay as calm and level headed as possible. I would flip out and go out in a flash of flames right this minute if I felt that I could. My kids are not being harmed in a way that will scar them for life. The snack sharing has stopped and I am formulating my exit plan. I have not yet decided what I am going to say when I go, but I am pretty sure I am going to outline the 'concerns' I have about their 'childcare'. If I felt I could energize the place and work to make it better I would in a heartbeat. The problem is, my small and valid requests are greeted with internal eye rolling....you know, they aren't actually rolling their eyes, but you feel them go as soon as your back is turned. I am the 'high maintenance mom who thinks she is so much better than all of us'. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am really nice, but I do take issue with lazy 'childcare'. I am direct, I tell them what I need, and I have never asked for anything special or outside of the range of normal. I am punctual to pick up my kids. My kids are really sweet, gentle, and well behaved.
I am so angry that I have now resorted to complaining about my job on the Internet. Openly, boldly, and without apology.
Seriously, I almost hope someone reads it. Guess what? I'm gonna quit as soon as I possibly can...like next week maybe when I figure out how I can tweak my budget to make it work.
Can a blog post be considered 'giving notice?'
At my massage gig there is short term childcare available. Part of me practicing where I work is that my children can play while I am giving massages. The longest they are ever there is 3 hours at a time, and that is not often. I guess I just assumed that people working there really like kids and are happy to be there. It turns out I have made all kinds of assumptions that 'made and ass out of you and me' so to speak.
Its a million little paper cuts. That is pretty much the only way I can describe the situation. There are lots of things from childcare to many other concerns but I will stick to the two most recent problems with the baby room.
I have had to explain, multiple times that Scooby-Do is not appropriate for my children to watch. My child has said out loud to the care provider in front of me that ITS TOO SCARY to then be told that it would be turned off if it 'got too scary'. HELLOOOO that is what the child just SAID.
After this happened and it had been the fourth time I had spoken to the person who works that day, I went up a level. I was told I should 'remind them each time'. I know she only sees me and my kid once a week, but I know I do not need 4 reminders about something like that. Especially when a child is standing in front of me telling me they are frightened.
I have happily packed sippy cups of rice milk or water for my kids. I have packed along things for them to eat each and every time I have gone there with my children. After several days of diarrhea from my diva child I inquired, with the not yet 3 year old, if she had shared any snacks with any other kids while at mommy's work. My child listed off a bunch of snacks she happily has shared with her friends. Except my child has a dairy allergy. I was under the, apparently misguided, impression that kids would eat what their mommies packed and that the adult there would supervise that.
Diva child has had a very very upset belly for a week now. 3-4 bad messy diapers a day and a flaming red tiny hiney to match.
Today when I very very nicely explained that my kids were only to share with each other the snacks I had provided due to allergies.....and could you, dear grown-up please help diva child with that, she turned to my child and said "No stealing snacks today diva child"....
Yeah....because not yet three year olds should be held responsible when left in the care of paid adults who are supposed to care for them and protect them.
I'm completely livid. I am trying to stay as calm and level headed as possible. I would flip out and go out in a flash of flames right this minute if I felt that I could. My kids are not being harmed in a way that will scar them for life. The snack sharing has stopped and I am formulating my exit plan. I have not yet decided what I am going to say when I go, but I am pretty sure I am going to outline the 'concerns' I have about their 'childcare'. If I felt I could energize the place and work to make it better I would in a heartbeat. The problem is, my small and valid requests are greeted with internal eye rolling....you know, they aren't actually rolling their eyes, but you feel them go as soon as your back is turned. I am the 'high maintenance mom who thinks she is so much better than all of us'. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am really nice, but I do take issue with lazy 'childcare'. I am direct, I tell them what I need, and I have never asked for anything special or outside of the range of normal. I am punctual to pick up my kids. My kids are really sweet, gentle, and well behaved.
I am so angry that I have now resorted to complaining about my job on the Internet. Openly, boldly, and without apology.
Seriously, I almost hope someone reads it. Guess what? I'm gonna quit as soon as I possibly can...like next week maybe when I figure out how I can tweak my budget to make it work.
Can a blog post be considered 'giving notice?'
Friday, May 11, 2007
Happy Birthday
Sweet Man Puppy,
You are a delight to your mama's heart. I am so happy you are mine. I could not have wished for such a perfect fit in our family. Your impish and lovey personality endear you to me every day.
At this time, one year ago, you and I were in hard labor together. It was long road getting to that day, but on May 11, 2006 it was finally time. My whole pregnancy was so different from my first. In my labor with you, I stayed focused on you, sweet boy. I talked to you, I rocked with you, I had the hardest contractions that I had ever experienced with you. Our labor was hard...very hard. I know it was hard on you too, neither of us got much of a break, and we did most of the work without the benefit of your bag of waters.
To be honest, a lot of it is a blur. We both gave it our best....we rested and gave it lots of time. In the end you made your grand debut at 6:33 pm via c-section. As we were going in for surgery I boldly proclaimed that you would weigh 9lbs 5oz. I guessed higher than anyone and I was only off by 2 oz. You weighed 9lbs 3 oz and were beautiful. You were so big and little all at once. You were never alone...my beloved midwife went right to you, then your daddy scooped you up to bring to me. I kissed your sweet face and couldn't wait to hold you!
In recovery I got to really lay eyes on you. You looked just like my side of the family, even from those first moments. You have only grown to look like me and my brother more and more each day. Your experienced mama knew how to nurse this time, and thankfully, so did you.
I delight in your very physical experience of life. As I write you are dancing around the room and now climbing on a rocking chair. The day you figured out how to roll over (at less than 3 months) started a non stop flurry of movement and activity.
Your relaxed personality is a gift to your high strung mama. You are not a fussy child and are easily pleased. Thank you. I have no idea where this quality has come from, but it is a gift to us all. I will do my best to not drive you insane with my high maintenance self. I'll work on dad and your diva sister as well.
I love you Man Puppy! Happy First Birthday!
Love,
Mama
ps thank you so much for saying mama first. I won't forget it. It will probably get you some leniency you don't deserve when you are 16.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Lots going on
We seem to have been spit out the opposite end of a long sickness filled late winter/early spring. I am so grateful. Diva child is still coughing a bit, man puppy is teething....but that is fine. After the last run of sickness, I will be careful not to complain about expected teething.
In my real, grown-up work life, things have become suddenly busy. Massage clients are coming out of the wood work, lots of doula clients are inquiring about my services. It is a feast or famine type of dynamic lately. All in the right time. I was very pleased that things were so slow from February to April as it didn't require lots of cancellations on my part.
My husband is working a lot. I am just moving back into regular doula work. I have a lot of nerves about it all....the unpredictability, the unknowns in regards to childcare, the commitment required, will it really fall into place? A doula friend of mine has a great post that pretty much sums up my feelings as well HomeGrown: The Scent of a Mother. The moving between the roles of doula and mommy can be exhausting at times. Sometimes it is just right. Energizing and great. Other times I wonder what kind of a racket I am running. Thankfully, all of my conflicting feelings over this stuff stays in its rightful place. I have yet to stress out any clients over my own childcare woes.
In the meantime, I also am soul searching about going back to school. I wonder If I should just jump in with both feet and become a midwife. It is very difficult to work in a flawed and broken system as a doula. It is sometimes downright depressing to watch the hospital system break down the prior convictions a mother held about birth right up until she becomes the patient that need curing. Would it be any better to be a midwife? In my state, certified nurse midwives have to work under an OB. I think the OB has the final 'say' in patient care in that scenario. Do I want to dive my family $70,000 in the hole (not to mention all the other sacrifices) to then be unhappy because I will be in the same pinch only providing patient care? I am going to sit on it for a bit. I'm going to keep attending births and try to see if I am more of a doula or a midwife. The roles are so different, and I need to know which one I want fill.
On a related note, I found an amazing website about Birth: The Play . On Labor Day, this play is being performed all over to promote mother friendly childbirth. They also want to get women talking to one another about their birth stories. Women need to talk to one another about their birth experiences. We need a way to discuss our births without being judged. We have all been a part of a birthing system that has harmed women and her powerful ability to give birth. Many of us have beautiful birth stories, and many of us bear the scars of forced procedures or coercion. I feel so strongly that we need to stop judging the women in the middle. It is so hard once you are in 'the machine' to do something different. The stakes are high ...no one wants harm to come to their unborn child. When women start complaining about those women who want an epidural in the parking lot, or those women who are trying to 'prove' something by having a natural birth, we all lose. The system we birth in needs lots of change, and we are all distracted by sisterly judgements and squabbles when we could be making it better for all of us AND our babies.
How we do that? Beats me.
And with that, I'm going to now be mommy to my actual kids!
In my real, grown-up work life, things have become suddenly busy. Massage clients are coming out of the wood work, lots of doula clients are inquiring about my services. It is a feast or famine type of dynamic lately. All in the right time. I was very pleased that things were so slow from February to April as it didn't require lots of cancellations on my part.
My husband is working a lot. I am just moving back into regular doula work. I have a lot of nerves about it all....the unpredictability, the unknowns in regards to childcare, the commitment required, will it really fall into place? A doula friend of mine has a great post that pretty much sums up my feelings as well HomeGrown: The Scent of a Mother. The moving between the roles of doula and mommy can be exhausting at times. Sometimes it is just right. Energizing and great. Other times I wonder what kind of a racket I am running. Thankfully, all of my conflicting feelings over this stuff stays in its rightful place. I have yet to stress out any clients over my own childcare woes.
In the meantime, I also am soul searching about going back to school. I wonder If I should just jump in with both feet and become a midwife. It is very difficult to work in a flawed and broken system as a doula. It is sometimes downright depressing to watch the hospital system break down the prior convictions a mother held about birth right up until she becomes the patient that need curing. Would it be any better to be a midwife? In my state, certified nurse midwives have to work under an OB. I think the OB has the final 'say' in patient care in that scenario. Do I want to dive my family $70,000 in the hole (not to mention all the other sacrifices) to then be unhappy because I will be in the same pinch only providing patient care? I am going to sit on it for a bit. I'm going to keep attending births and try to see if I am more of a doula or a midwife. The roles are so different, and I need to know which one I want fill.
On a related note, I found an amazing website about Birth: The Play . On Labor Day, this play is being performed all over to promote mother friendly childbirth. They also want to get women talking to one another about their birth stories. Women need to talk to one another about their birth experiences. We need a way to discuss our births without being judged. We have all been a part of a birthing system that has harmed women and her powerful ability to give birth. Many of us have beautiful birth stories, and many of us bear the scars of forced procedures or coercion. I feel so strongly that we need to stop judging the women in the middle. It is so hard once you are in 'the machine' to do something different. The stakes are high ...no one wants harm to come to their unborn child. When women start complaining about those women who want an epidural in the parking lot, or those women who are trying to 'prove' something by having a natural birth, we all lose. The system we birth in needs lots of change, and we are all distracted by sisterly judgements and squabbles when we could be making it better for all of us AND our babies.
How we do that? Beats me.
And with that, I'm going to now be mommy to my actual kids!
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Interview Meme
Thank you to Karen for the challenging interview questions!!
1. What aspects of parenting do you believe impact you most profoundly, in ways that have changed your essential you-ness?
Motherhood, in general, has reshaped my essential 'me-ness'. I have become much more patient (shocking really, as I have a long way to go in that department). I have become more willing to surrender to moments...to find the joy in small things instead of always looking ahead to the next big thing. There is much happiness and joy in living in the moment. Even now, as I write this in the middle of my traaaashed living room I am savoring the quiet of my children napping at the same time! Little joys like this are no longer lost on me. I could be all annoyed and frustrated that I can't be doing xyz...but I have learned the art of choosing happiness. Some days I am better at that than others.
In an instant, I went from me to us. For almost the entire first year of my daughter's life I referred to her and me as 'us' as if we were one unit. I know when I got married that happened to a smaller extent. While we were linked together, there wasn't the same urgency of care that happened for me with marriage. Having a child completely uprooted my sense of solitary self. My first child holds that special place in my heart as far as having been the one to blaze a trail straight into my heart and mind. I don't mean this is a freaky creepy way...more in that I really have become a more selfless person...to my kids, to my husband, and really all around. I completely still take care of me and have my own identity, but I am always juggling the important needs of my family as well. I do so with a sense of love and joy (most of the time!) because of my shared investment in who they are and who they are becoming. I want to rearrange my life for my family and who they are as individuals. I don't know that I could have ever really foreseen feeling that way before I had children.
2. Conversely, what parts of yourself are so essential to you do you see unchangeable that no amount of baby poop, spilled sippy cups and cheerios dust could ever change?
I do have a tendency to have 'itchy feet'. I love to travel and explore new places and experiences. In motherhood, I think I am adventurous in offering my children new experiences. We haven't gone on safari or anything exotic like that, but I do things like take them out for Indian food with me. Lucky for me I have been blessed with non-picky eaters, so they usually are game. I have been able to reshape my expectations a bit. I used to always carry my passport with me in the off chance I could just go anywhere at a moments notice. Our adventures are more kid centered, but my love of travel and adventure is something I hope to impart to my kids and include them in at normal levels for their ages...oh yeah, and our income!
This question is so hard for me. I feel like I keep growing and changing all of the time. When I think of myself 10 years ago I see a much less self assured young woman who was a bit overwhelmed by all the opportunities ahead. I was so lonely. I have always been really feisty and full of adventure. The anchoring of my husband and family feels like a refuge that has allowed for me to really grow into myself while surrounded by love and safety. To me, it feels a lot easier to take on the world with your peeps at your side.
3. If you guys could take a break from the kids( of course leaving them in excellent hands &knowing for sure they would not be scarred by your absence), where would you go and why there?
Ah, Karen, you seem to know me so well. Thank you for taking the mental strain off of pretend worrying about my children's psyches.
My answer is probably going to be colored by the fact that I have been convalescing sick people since February. A beach anywhere in the Mediterranean sounds great. Eating some really good Greek food...exploring some ruins. Sunning myself like a lazy cat all day with the occasional break for swimming. That pretty much sounds like heaven to me. It also sounds awfully romantic.
4. What are the things you love/hate about message boarding vs. blogging? What ways do these similarities/differences influence how you choose to spend the limited amount of time we mommies have to ourselves?
There is one message board that I really love. It is mainly a mama message board. It feels like living in a virtual community of other mama. There is a wide range of people there...from totally crunchy to self proclaimed anti crunchies. What I like about Mama Drama in particular is that there is very little moderation. You say what you mean, and mean what you say. You have every right to be offended and say your piece...but everyone owns their own words. If you are obnoxious there people will call you on it, and fast. If you have insightful, interesting, and witty things to say, you will quickly become a 'regular'. It is a small board that has a pretty decent amount of traffic. People will thoughtfully respond to threads. There is a tremendous sense of community there.
I love blogs as well but find that I am more thoughtful with my posts and comments in the blogosphere. I think that is a general difference. There are several blogs I love to read but I sometimes get overwhelmed with keeping up with it all. Some of that may be familiarity. I don't participate in many message boards, I just have the one that I participate in regularly.
But there isn't as much participation pressure with blogs. I can read and read and read and read. I am often moved...and I do comment quite a bit. I tend to blog about a specific topic that I want to really write about. I usually write it more for me than anyone else.
In a message board I am more prepared to hear other perspectives...have people agree or disagree. So far, my wee little blog hasn't been the hotbed of controversy. I do love the comments. I like that people read it. So I don't know. I like blogs and message boards for the same reason. It is a connection and community. If I feel like doing something fast paced I go to the message board. If I am more in the mood to read and write, I go to the blogs.
I have found that people can be very scathing at message boards. I know that also transpires on blogs as well, but I just haven't seen it or experienced it to the same extent as on message boards. There is also the tendency of people to 'pack up their toys and go home' on a message board. Someone who has been participating for a long time suddenly get their panties in a wad and will post a big 'screw you bitches, I'm outta here, for ever, I swear it this time'....and then they try to sneak back in a week or two. I don't really love that. Either go down in flames and never go back, or cool yourself down, take an unannounced break and come back when you are over it.
I rarely get seriously worked up at a message board or blog. I like to debate, I like to think...but if I am genuinely angry I stop. This is supposed to be fun for me, not stressful. There is too much actual heartache out there...real broken relationships in peoples lives...for me to take a message board or blog to heart.
I have yet to see the big drama whoreish goodbye for ever post or comment on a blog.
5. Describe 3 factors in your life, from childhood onwards, that are currently influencing your major parenting choices (you know hot topics like attachment, breastfeeding and homeschooling or not...)
1) My own highly sensitive personality
I would say I fall into the 'highly sensitive' personality. I have always been very sensitive and have been marked as the most sensitive person in my own family of origin. I am probably the most sensitive person in my little family as well. Because of this I think the whole attachment parenting concept resonated with me. I really wanted to impart an unshakable connection between myself and my children by being closely 'attached'. The language of all of this is annoying to me because I think most people want these things. I wanted to lay a foundation of attachment so the kids could grow into independent adults who know and love themselves. I think the balance in this is allowing them to grow. Not to stifle their development by insisting on any set stuff....(babywearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding being the big 3 of 'attachment parenting), but to use those good things and work with the child and what they need while balancing how it is all working for me as mama. As a new mom I felt very bound by an attachment 'code' of sorts. But as I have settled into this mama gig, I have become more kind to myself. My needs and tolerances are so important as well...All the babywearing in the world doesn't balance out a crabby, strung out, stressed out mama. So there really are no hard and fast rules here when it comes to child rearing philosophies.
2) I trust myself and my husband to make good parenting decisions
Given that we are both learning as we go along we know we are going to make mistakes. But I know we both love our kids so much and will make the best decisions for them as individuals. I hesitate to say that I will *never* homeschool. It isn't something that really gets me excited or speaks to my heart. But if it were in the best interest of one of my kids then I would totally consider it, research it, and give it a whirl. My kids are so little still, I hesitate to get too attached to how I think things should be or what life will be like. I have been really blessed with a pretty well behaved and compliant 2 year old. A lot of that has been her disposition. I would like to think we have done a good job teaching her as well, but man...its shaky ground when parents take all the credit. I don't wish to tempt fate or enrage mama's who have challenging kids by going there!!
3) I have high expectations
I have high hopes and expectations for my kids. I want to always encourage them to do their diva child and man puppy best. I want for them to find joy in the simple things of life while doing their best job; their own personal best. One doesn't need to compare themselves with so and so if you are just striving for your own best work. Be it in kindness, compassion, school work, sharing, a career...One doesn't have to be the brightest shining star in the universe to feel pride in giving it his or her all. I can lead an extraordinary ordinary life...with passion, love, joy...I hope that they will want that too. I believe that I parent them in a way that encourages them to do their best. I really recoil from the 'be the best of all' mentality. I don't want to set my kids up to feel like they will never measure up if they come in 'second'. I have seen really beautiful and talented people just loose their passion for life when they can't be 'first'. I would hate to see my children shy away from experiences or activities for fear of failure. So much living is lost that way.
So, the answers to #5 feel kind of esoteric and abstract...but I'm just gonna run with it.
1. What aspects of parenting do you believe impact you most profoundly, in ways that have changed your essential you-ness?
Motherhood, in general, has reshaped my essential 'me-ness'. I have become much more patient (shocking really, as I have a long way to go in that department). I have become more willing to surrender to moments...to find the joy in small things instead of always looking ahead to the next big thing. There is much happiness and joy in living in the moment. Even now, as I write this in the middle of my traaaashed living room I am savoring the quiet of my children napping at the same time! Little joys like this are no longer lost on me. I could be all annoyed and frustrated that I can't be doing xyz...but I have learned the art of choosing happiness. Some days I am better at that than others.
In an instant, I went from me to us. For almost the entire first year of my daughter's life I referred to her and me as 'us' as if we were one unit. I know when I got married that happened to a smaller extent. While we were linked together, there wasn't the same urgency of care that happened for me with marriage. Having a child completely uprooted my sense of solitary self. My first child holds that special place in my heart as far as having been the one to blaze a trail straight into my heart and mind. I don't mean this is a freaky creepy way...more in that I really have become a more selfless person...to my kids, to my husband, and really all around. I completely still take care of me and have my own identity, but I am always juggling the important needs of my family as well. I do so with a sense of love and joy (most of the time!) because of my shared investment in who they are and who they are becoming. I want to rearrange my life for my family and who they are as individuals. I don't know that I could have ever really foreseen feeling that way before I had children.
2. Conversely, what parts of yourself are so essential to you do you see unchangeable that no amount of baby poop, spilled sippy cups and cheerios dust could ever change?
I do have a tendency to have 'itchy feet'. I love to travel and explore new places and experiences. In motherhood, I think I am adventurous in offering my children new experiences. We haven't gone on safari or anything exotic like that, but I do things like take them out for Indian food with me. Lucky for me I have been blessed with non-picky eaters, so they usually are game. I have been able to reshape my expectations a bit. I used to always carry my passport with me in the off chance I could just go anywhere at a moments notice. Our adventures are more kid centered, but my love of travel and adventure is something I hope to impart to my kids and include them in at normal levels for their ages...oh yeah, and our income!
This question is so hard for me. I feel like I keep growing and changing all of the time. When I think of myself 10 years ago I see a much less self assured young woman who was a bit overwhelmed by all the opportunities ahead. I was so lonely. I have always been really feisty and full of adventure. The anchoring of my husband and family feels like a refuge that has allowed for me to really grow into myself while surrounded by love and safety. To me, it feels a lot easier to take on the world with your peeps at your side.
3. If you guys could take a break from the kids( of course leaving them in excellent hands &knowing for sure they would not be scarred by your absence), where would you go and why there?
Ah, Karen, you seem to know me so well. Thank you for taking the mental strain off of pretend worrying about my children's psyches.
My answer is probably going to be colored by the fact that I have been convalescing sick people since February. A beach anywhere in the Mediterranean sounds great. Eating some really good Greek food...exploring some ruins. Sunning myself like a lazy cat all day with the occasional break for swimming. That pretty much sounds like heaven to me. It also sounds awfully romantic.
4. What are the things you love/hate about message boarding vs. blogging? What ways do these similarities/differences influence how you choose to spend the limited amount of time we mommies have to ourselves?
There is one message board that I really love. It is mainly a mama message board. It feels like living in a virtual community of other mama. There is a wide range of people there...from totally crunchy to self proclaimed anti crunchies. What I like about Mama Drama in particular is that there is very little moderation. You say what you mean, and mean what you say. You have every right to be offended and say your piece...but everyone owns their own words. If you are obnoxious there people will call you on it, and fast. If you have insightful, interesting, and witty things to say, you will quickly become a 'regular'. It is a small board that has a pretty decent amount of traffic. People will thoughtfully respond to threads. There is a tremendous sense of community there.
I love blogs as well but find that I am more thoughtful with my posts and comments in the blogosphere. I think that is a general difference. There are several blogs I love to read but I sometimes get overwhelmed with keeping up with it all. Some of that may be familiarity. I don't participate in many message boards, I just have the one that I participate in regularly.
But there isn't as much participation pressure with blogs. I can read and read and read and read. I am often moved...and I do comment quite a bit. I tend to blog about a specific topic that I want to really write about. I usually write it more for me than anyone else.
In a message board I am more prepared to hear other perspectives...have people agree or disagree. So far, my wee little blog hasn't been the hotbed of controversy. I do love the comments. I like that people read it. So I don't know. I like blogs and message boards for the same reason. It is a connection and community. If I feel like doing something fast paced I go to the message board. If I am more in the mood to read and write, I go to the blogs.
I have found that people can be very scathing at message boards. I know that also transpires on blogs as well, but I just haven't seen it or experienced it to the same extent as on message boards. There is also the tendency of people to 'pack up their toys and go home' on a message board. Someone who has been participating for a long time suddenly get their panties in a wad and will post a big 'screw you bitches, I'm outta here, for ever, I swear it this time'....and then they try to sneak back in a week or two. I don't really love that. Either go down in flames and never go back, or cool yourself down, take an unannounced break and come back when you are over it.
I rarely get seriously worked up at a message board or blog. I like to debate, I like to think...but if I am genuinely angry I stop. This is supposed to be fun for me, not stressful. There is too much actual heartache out there...real broken relationships in peoples lives...for me to take a message board or blog to heart.
I have yet to see the big drama whoreish goodbye for ever post or comment on a blog.
5. Describe 3 factors in your life, from childhood onwards, that are currently influencing your major parenting choices (you know hot topics like attachment, breastfeeding and homeschooling or not...)
1) My own highly sensitive personality
I would say I fall into the 'highly sensitive' personality. I have always been very sensitive and have been marked as the most sensitive person in my own family of origin. I am probably the most sensitive person in my little family as well. Because of this I think the whole attachment parenting concept resonated with me. I really wanted to impart an unshakable connection between myself and my children by being closely 'attached'. The language of all of this is annoying to me because I think most people want these things. I wanted to lay a foundation of attachment so the kids could grow into independent adults who know and love themselves. I think the balance in this is allowing them to grow. Not to stifle their development by insisting on any set stuff....(babywearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding being the big 3 of 'attachment parenting), but to use those good things and work with the child and what they need while balancing how it is all working for me as mama. As a new mom I felt very bound by an attachment 'code' of sorts. But as I have settled into this mama gig, I have become more kind to myself. My needs and tolerances are so important as well...All the babywearing in the world doesn't balance out a crabby, strung out, stressed out mama. So there really are no hard and fast rules here when it comes to child rearing philosophies.
2) I trust myself and my husband to make good parenting decisions
Given that we are both learning as we go along we know we are going to make mistakes. But I know we both love our kids so much and will make the best decisions for them as individuals. I hesitate to say that I will *never* homeschool. It isn't something that really gets me excited or speaks to my heart. But if it were in the best interest of one of my kids then I would totally consider it, research it, and give it a whirl. My kids are so little still, I hesitate to get too attached to how I think things should be or what life will be like. I have been really blessed with a pretty well behaved and compliant 2 year old. A lot of that has been her disposition. I would like to think we have done a good job teaching her as well, but man...its shaky ground when parents take all the credit. I don't wish to tempt fate or enrage mama's who have challenging kids by going there!!
3) I have high expectations
I have high hopes and expectations for my kids. I want to always encourage them to do their diva child and man puppy best. I want for them to find joy in the simple things of life while doing their best job; their own personal best. One doesn't need to compare themselves with so and so if you are just striving for your own best work. Be it in kindness, compassion, school work, sharing, a career...One doesn't have to be the brightest shining star in the universe to feel pride in giving it his or her all. I can lead an extraordinary ordinary life...with passion, love, joy...I hope that they will want that too. I believe that I parent them in a way that encourages them to do their best. I really recoil from the 'be the best of all' mentality. I don't want to set my kids up to feel like they will never measure up if they come in 'second'. I have seen really beautiful and talented people just loose their passion for life when they can't be 'first'. I would hate to see my children shy away from experiences or activities for fear of failure. So much living is lost that way.
So, the answers to #5 feel kind of esoteric and abstract...but I'm just gonna run with it.
Monday, April 16, 2007
More from me soon
As to not gross out any of my blog readers, I have taken a break from blogging so I don't venture into the uncomfortable realm of sharing the details of the violent stomach bug that has gripped my daughter the last 3 days.
I will say this...I'm glad I have a steam cleaner, electrolyte drinks stain, and maybe a movement of this bug to the lower GI tract has been just the inspiration I have needed to help my daughter use the potty every time.
Wish me luck....so far, the BRAT diet hasn't come flying out of my child today...yet.
I will say this...I'm glad I have a steam cleaner, electrolyte drinks stain, and maybe a movement of this bug to the lower GI tract has been just the inspiration I have needed to help my daughter use the potty every time.
Wish me luck....so far, the BRAT diet hasn't come flying out of my child today...yet.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Ah to be delightfully self absorbed
My Mother-in-law purchased an artsy children's board book called Brush Mona Lisa's Hair. It is a book that features well known works of art such as (duh) Mona Lisa, Girl with a Pearl Earring, and The Laughing Cavalier. The author's added textural stuff to the paintings such as hair on Mona Lisa, an actual earring on Girl with a Pearl Earring, and an actual lacy collar on The laughing Cavalier.
So, on page one, opposite the great work Mona Lisa the text reads:
Look inside and take a peek.
Let's play a game of find and seek.
Look at the lovely lady.
Why is she smiling?
Can you brush her messy hair?
(I am pretty sure Da Vinci would take great offense, but I digress)
So I ask Diva Child...Why is she smiling.
Mommy, she is smiling at MEEEEE! AT MEEEEEEE!!
I'm not sure about her but I am totally smiling.
So, on page one, opposite the great work Mona Lisa the text reads:
Look inside and take a peek.
Let's play a game of find and seek.
Look at the lovely lady.
Why is she smiling?
Can you brush her messy hair?
(I am pretty sure Da Vinci would take great offense, but I digress)
So I ask Diva Child...Why is she smiling.
Mommy, she is smiling at MEEEEE! AT MEEEEEEE!!
I'm not sure about her but I am totally smiling.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Why Lollipops?
Listen universe, I have a major pet peeve to take up with you. As a mother of a soon to be 3 year old and a soon to be 1 year old I am doing my very best to feed my kids well. Thus far, I have two good non picky eaters. I am generous with 'treats', meaning good yummy sugary stuff. I am by no means stingy. I make cookies, I buy cookies. I always have a supply of dark chocolate.
My thought is that if I am going to eat something that isn't especially 'good' for me or the kids, it ought to be tasty...real....yummy. I tend to stay away from high fructose corn syrup. Did I outlaw jellybeans? No! I am a fun mommy. I let jellybeans abound for my big kid on Easter. I didn't buy them myself, but when her grandparents gave her a basket I was ready to let her eat the candy!
Grandparents have free license in my house with treats. It isn't frequent enough to be a problem...but what is everyone elses excuse?
Why oh why oh why does the rest of the world want to give my kid a lollipop? It is the day after Easter folks. We passed the bank and diva child says "Oh, Mommy, you forgot to go to the bank!! I want a lollipop". I explained that I didn't need to go to the bank and that the bank isn't actually a lollipop dispensary.
We went to the Library today. You know, the place where my kid got corrected by a librarian the millisecond she happened to run. There was a huge thing of lollipops at the check out. The mom ahead of me let her older child have one and I was the meaaaaan mommy who said no. Whatever. It was 4:45 and my husband wasn't coming home before bed time. It's not lollipop time. The little boy with the lollipop realized that I was not going to let her have one and took it out of his mouth and offered it to diva child. A sweet gesture that I quickly intercepted.
So mama decided to go to the liquor store to pick up a celebratory bottle of wine for a job well done by Big Daddy. He got his yearly merit raise and I wanted to celebrate. So we go in and my daughter ASKS the guy if they have lollipops. (Apparently at the ripe old age of 2.75 she has been in enough liquor stores to know they stock lollipops...I'm not sure what that reflects, but it probably isn't good).
He hands her a lollipop.
What's a mama to do?! How many times in one day do I want to be anti lollipop lady? I swear lollipops bring out the worst in me....it ends up with me nagging her not to chew them, picking hairs off of them, then taking it away because it is mealtime/nap time/too fuzzy to eat.
I thought balloon's were bad...at least they don't alter my child's blood sugar.
My thought is that if I am going to eat something that isn't especially 'good' for me or the kids, it ought to be tasty...real....yummy. I tend to stay away from high fructose corn syrup. Did I outlaw jellybeans? No! I am a fun mommy. I let jellybeans abound for my big kid on Easter. I didn't buy them myself, but when her grandparents gave her a basket I was ready to let her eat the candy!
Grandparents have free license in my house with treats. It isn't frequent enough to be a problem...but what is everyone elses excuse?
Why oh why oh why does the rest of the world want to give my kid a lollipop? It is the day after Easter folks. We passed the bank and diva child says "Oh, Mommy, you forgot to go to the bank!! I want a lollipop". I explained that I didn't need to go to the bank and that the bank isn't actually a lollipop dispensary.
We went to the Library today. You know, the place where my kid got corrected by a librarian the millisecond she happened to run. There was a huge thing of lollipops at the check out. The mom ahead of me let her older child have one and I was the meaaaaan mommy who said no. Whatever. It was 4:45 and my husband wasn't coming home before bed time. It's not lollipop time. The little boy with the lollipop realized that I was not going to let her have one and took it out of his mouth and offered it to diva child. A sweet gesture that I quickly intercepted.
So mama decided to go to the liquor store to pick up a celebratory bottle of wine for a job well done by Big Daddy. He got his yearly merit raise and I wanted to celebrate. So we go in and my daughter ASKS the guy if they have lollipops. (Apparently at the ripe old age of 2.75 she has been in enough liquor stores to know they stock lollipops...I'm not sure what that reflects, but it probably isn't good).
He hands her a lollipop.
What's a mama to do?! How many times in one day do I want to be anti lollipop lady? I swear lollipops bring out the worst in me....it ends up with me nagging her not to chew them, picking hairs off of them, then taking it away because it is mealtime/nap time/too fuzzy to eat.
I thought balloon's were bad...at least they don't alter my child's blood sugar.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Our living room suite is, like, so last week
Just before we all got sick I posted about our new idea for sleep. It was so creative and great. Anything for more sleep, right?
I'm so over it.
It may have something to do with the fact that sick children have been coughing and wiping their snot on my pillow. Maybe the problem is that we stopped breaking the big living room bed down since we were all laying around all day. Leaving it up means that errant O's and crumbly bits of toddler funk have made their way to the place I like to sleep. How about my almost 3 year old running across it with her wet shoes on? You get the idea. It was starting to feel like a family of rats lives here. No matter if I changed the sheets, having all that kid activity happening in my 'bed' just killed the 'living room five star hotel suite' fantasy I had going on.
And here it sits...starring me down 'you know you want to take a nap...they *are* both sleeping...what's a few O's and bed peppers?'
(bed peppers=unknown sandy stuff at the end of your bed when it has been much too long between sheet changings)
I just.can't. do. it. little man puppy is sleeping in his crib in our room...diva child is sleeping in her room. That leaves the funky family nesty thing that I now believe is talking to me, or the couch...or tea and blogging.
ah...sleep is overrated anyway.
I'm so over it.
It may have something to do with the fact that sick children have been coughing and wiping their snot on my pillow. Maybe the problem is that we stopped breaking the big living room bed down since we were all laying around all day. Leaving it up means that errant O's and crumbly bits of toddler funk have made their way to the place I like to sleep. How about my almost 3 year old running across it with her wet shoes on? You get the idea. It was starting to feel like a family of rats lives here. No matter if I changed the sheets, having all that kid activity happening in my 'bed' just killed the 'living room five star hotel suite' fantasy I had going on.
And here it sits...starring me down 'you know you want to take a nap...they *are* both sleeping...what's a few O's and bed peppers?'
(bed peppers=unknown sandy stuff at the end of your bed when it has been much too long between sheet changings)
I just.can't. do. it. little man puppy is sleeping in his crib in our room...diva child is sleeping in her room. That leaves the funky family nesty thing that I now believe is talking to me, or the couch...or tea and blogging.
ah...sleep is overrated anyway.
The babies are getting big!
I can't bring myself to say 'growing up'. That sounds like something you say about your teenager who has just left for the prom. Both of my kids are barreling towards their birthday's at an alarming rate. My diva child will be 3 and my little man puppy will be 1.
Karen's post on the subject sums up my feelings well. My man puppy has been walking for a few weeks now. He has 6 bruises on his head and face to prove it. He is doing really well for a walking baby! He even managed to climb up onto our couch and jump around. The look of glee was priceless.
He is also entertaining us with his bits of talking and humor. He has been signing 'all done' for about a week now. Today after I tortured him with some saline spray up his stuffy nose he was frantically flapping 'all done' and said something that sounded an awful lot like all done. Yesterday I was using a puppet to play with him. I stood up with him on my hip and he pointed at the ceiling hooks (where we hang the puppet theatre from). He was laughing and bouncing as he pointed...he wanted me to do the real deal and put on a puppet show!
This morning he asked for 'wa-wa'...water in a sippy cup. Watching language acquisition is the most thrilling thing for me. I love the tiny window into his baby brain...to know, with certainty, what he would like from me.
Another post that got me all mushy about my kids was from doodaddy. It made me remember my daughter's baby hood and 'oneness'. The year diva child was one was very special for me. We had just moved to our first purchased home. In fact, we closed on diva child's birthday. It was a great summer of diva child toddling around, talking, but still being very much a baby. We could do so many more things now that she was bigger and we understood her better. I was soon pregnant with man puppy. I really savored the time that I had at home with just me and diva child. I had no idea what I was in for with a second child, but I knew the time I had with my daughter was special.
To see the little girl my diva child is growing into ....it is staggering to me. The only remnant of her babyhood are the diapers. Her face is delicate but determined. The pudgy cheeks have melted into cheekbones and big eyes. Her legs and arms are so long! She is so little and big at the same time. Her three word sentences are much, much longer and articulate. The baby who never left my lap, breasts, or sling, now is orchestrating tea parties, disciplining her dolly's (with a striking resemblance to how I have redirected her earlier in the day), and playing with her little brother with much laughter and squealing.
The two of them adore each other. They have a connection that is entirely outside of their relationship with me and big daddy. Seeing that develop from my pregnancy to today is poignant.
Karen's post on the subject sums up my feelings well. My man puppy has been walking for a few weeks now. He has 6 bruises on his head and face to prove it. He is doing really well for a walking baby! He even managed to climb up onto our couch and jump around. The look of glee was priceless.
He is also entertaining us with his bits of talking and humor. He has been signing 'all done' for about a week now. Today after I tortured him with some saline spray up his stuffy nose he was frantically flapping 'all done' and said something that sounded an awful lot like all done. Yesterday I was using a puppet to play with him. I stood up with him on my hip and he pointed at the ceiling hooks (where we hang the puppet theatre from). He was laughing and bouncing as he pointed...he wanted me to do the real deal and put on a puppet show!
This morning he asked for 'wa-wa'...water in a sippy cup. Watching language acquisition is the most thrilling thing for me. I love the tiny window into his baby brain...to know, with certainty, what he would like from me.
Another post that got me all mushy about my kids was from doodaddy. It made me remember my daughter's baby hood and 'oneness'. The year diva child was one was very special for me. We had just moved to our first purchased home. In fact, we closed on diva child's birthday. It was a great summer of diva child toddling around, talking, but still being very much a baby. We could do so many more things now that she was bigger and we understood her better. I was soon pregnant with man puppy. I really savored the time that I had at home with just me and diva child. I had no idea what I was in for with a second child, but I knew the time I had with my daughter was special.
To see the little girl my diva child is growing into ....it is staggering to me. The only remnant of her babyhood are the diapers. Her face is delicate but determined. The pudgy cheeks have melted into cheekbones and big eyes. Her legs and arms are so long! She is so little and big at the same time. Her three word sentences are much, much longer and articulate. The baby who never left my lap, breasts, or sling, now is orchestrating tea parties, disciplining her dolly's (with a striking resemblance to how I have redirected her earlier in the day), and playing with her little brother with much laughter and squealing.
The two of them adore each other. They have a connection that is entirely outside of their relationship with me and big daddy. Seeing that develop from my pregnancy to today is poignant.
Monday, April 02, 2007
ode to my lost voice
I have made it out alive
Just hoping for the best
I never thought I would survive
what I really need is rest
mommying with out a voice
with a toddler and a babe
If given this or that choice
I say, take an afternoon in the shade (okay it doesn't *really* rhyme, give a mama a break)
When a mommy whispers stop! the toddler tantrums on
it takes lots of sounds like shhhst!! until the moment is now gone
whaaaah whaaaah whaaaah cries the babe with the ear infection
Today I learned you can use a silent puppet to gain his affection
with toys all around me
I am brewing some tea
dreaming Ive been sent to the sanatorium, to recover by the sea
big daddy better come home quick, groceries in his possession
So now I can move on to my latest obsession
laying on my living room floor, like we have rented a suite
watching my new cable tv, having something to eat.
little voice where have you gone...hurry home once more
because this mama is SO DONE and I need to talk at the family I adore.
Just hoping for the best
I never thought I would survive
what I really need is rest
mommying with out a voice
with a toddler and a babe
If given this or that choice
I say, take an afternoon in the shade (okay it doesn't *really* rhyme, give a mama a break)
When a mommy whispers stop! the toddler tantrums on
it takes lots of sounds like shhhst!! until the moment is now gone
whaaaah whaaaah whaaaah cries the babe with the ear infection
Today I learned you can use a silent puppet to gain his affection
with toys all around me
I am brewing some tea
dreaming Ive been sent to the sanatorium, to recover by the sea
big daddy better come home quick, groceries in his possession
So now I can move on to my latest obsession
laying on my living room floor, like we have rented a suite
watching my new cable tv, having something to eat.
little voice where have you gone...hurry home once more
because this mama is SO DONE and I need to talk at the family I adore.
So here are the stats
Yesterday I woke up feeling like such complete crap that I was afraid of today, Monday morning. My husband works a lot of hours and is working on his Masters as well. Monday is the marathon day in which he leaves well before 7 and gets home well after 8...rendering him useless to me in regards to parenting of any kind.
There have been ads running here for the MinuteClinic. I was all on my 'health care is so bad in America now that we are openly admitting that we can't get in to see our primary care physician when we are ACTUALLY sick bla bla bla bla bla" high horse. I swore (when I was feeling perfectly well) that hell would freeze over before I would go to see the McDoctor.
Well, Sunday morning at about 8 am my attitude was rapidly changing. Much like when it is 6 pm and somehow I am driving around with two hungry children and I end up tossing french fries back at them while I make my way home from a long day of whatever.
It has been a long while since I have been this sick. The idea of dragging my sorry sick self to the Ped office today then to my MD...All of the phone calls and busy signals at 9 am...
I googled Minute Clinic. In network with my insurance...a 20 buck co-pay on a Sunday. I was so there!
So I have: Bronchitis, a sinus infection, pink eye, and now laryngitis. I have.no.voice. None what so ever.
Enough about me, the kids are really worse off. We took them to see their ped yesterday afternoon. I LOVE them. I really really love them.
Diva child, who was not very diva like all weekend is miserable. She has pink eye in both eyes with copious amounts of eye snot, bronchitis, and really sadly not her spunky self. By the time we got home from the ped and pharmacy, she was begging to go to bed. No dinner, just begging for sleep. She has never asked to go to bed ever. It is now almost 8 am and I can count on one hand the times she has slept this late.
Baby boy, has bronchitis, an ear infection, and the last sputters of pink eye. He is much better save the fact that he has mistaken me for a human sippy cup and his blankie. He literally had to 'sleep' (if we can loosely call what it was we were doing last night sleep) on me intermittently nursing. He has to be feeling pretty bad as that has never been his habit for an entire night.
We are an attractive bunch! Wish me all the luck in the world as I whisper no no's and hey, stop swiping toys, and look out! That will hurt baby!
My husband has yet to succumb to the scourge, but he woke up with a scratchy throat. We shall see if he stays all big daddy manly man on me and goes to work through it all, hacking on everyone in his group of cubicles.
There have been ads running here for the MinuteClinic. I was all on my 'health care is so bad in America now that we are openly admitting that we can't get in to see our primary care physician when we are ACTUALLY sick bla bla bla bla bla" high horse. I swore (when I was feeling perfectly well) that hell would freeze over before I would go to see the McDoctor.
Well, Sunday morning at about 8 am my attitude was rapidly changing. Much like when it is 6 pm and somehow I am driving around with two hungry children and I end up tossing french fries back at them while I make my way home from a long day of whatever.
It has been a long while since I have been this sick. The idea of dragging my sorry sick self to the Ped office today then to my MD...All of the phone calls and busy signals at 9 am...
I googled Minute Clinic. In network with my insurance...a 20 buck co-pay on a Sunday. I was so there!
So I have: Bronchitis, a sinus infection, pink eye, and now laryngitis. I have.no.voice. None what so ever.
Enough about me, the kids are really worse off. We took them to see their ped yesterday afternoon. I LOVE them. I really really love them.
Diva child, who was not very diva like all weekend is miserable. She has pink eye in both eyes with copious amounts of eye snot, bronchitis, and really sadly not her spunky self. By the time we got home from the ped and pharmacy, she was begging to go to bed. No dinner, just begging for sleep. She has never asked to go to bed ever. It is now almost 8 am and I can count on one hand the times she has slept this late.
Baby boy, has bronchitis, an ear infection, and the last sputters of pink eye. He is much better save the fact that he has mistaken me for a human sippy cup and his blankie. He literally had to 'sleep' (if we can loosely call what it was we were doing last night sleep) on me intermittently nursing. He has to be feeling pretty bad as that has never been his habit for an entire night.
We are an attractive bunch! Wish me all the luck in the world as I whisper no no's and hey, stop swiping toys, and look out! That will hurt baby!
My husband has yet to succumb to the scourge, but he woke up with a scratchy throat. We shall see if he stays all big daddy manly man on me and goes to work through it all, hacking on everyone in his group of cubicles.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
a day in the life...
It has been a month around here. I have been caring for sick kids, been sick myself, tried to unsuccessfully reign in the house after a few illnesses...you know, the hell ones home spirals down into when you just stop doing laundry or dishes.
We are back on the virus train again. Poor baby boy is so miserable. As far as sickness goes, it's just a nasty head cold. But there is something so sad about a bubbly baby turned lethargic with swollen gunky eyes, flaming pink cheeks and a rattle cough.
Additionally, we have been wading through sleep challenges with our baby boy. No big surprise because every time I am ready to shake things up, he is, alas, sick again! We have taken to sleeping on the living room floor. At first I thought it was sad and pathetic, but it is like having a hotel room suite to myself. No slinking into the bedroom for fear of waking the baby. No anxiety as I feel myself getting tired. In fact, baby boy only has woken up 2 times the last 2 nights of this experiment! That is a VAST improvement from the 4-8 times of night waking that has driven me to the limits of human sleep deprivation.
But, scourges of illness and night waking aside both kids always keep me laughing.
Today my little girl gave me a hysterical run down of her day at drop off play group. This conversation being the gem of it all:
Me: So, what did you do today?
diva child: Simone had a ring that her daddy give her and I wanna play with it but she said no and I sad and her sad too.
Me: Really? Well, it was her ring.
diva child: mommy her have a pink ring...her daddy buy it for her. I want my daddy to buy me a purple ring. I gonna call him and tell him that.
Me: Laughing. . . we can do that!
Hours later...I am on the phone talking to a friend
Diva child: Mooomy!!? Is that Daddy?!! Tell him I want him to buy me a purple ring!!!
Me: I'm not talking to Daddy, we will tell him about the ring later.
As little sicky boy hasn't left my arms all day, the afternoon escaped us and we soon heard 'big daddy' coming up the steps.
Diva child: Daddy! Daddy! Do you have my purple ring?!! My Purple Ring!!!!
Big Daddy has no idea what she is talking about and the diva child promptly dissolves in a puddle of tears as if her betrothed had forgotten to show up on the wedding day.
So, what's a big daddy to do? Once our girly settled down she was able to explain it all. My sweet tender husband will do anything to make the tears of a girl stop. He ran out to run some errands with her and managed to pick out the perfect plastic ring for his diva child.
On one had I fear indulging an immediate 'want' to have the thing that another child has. On the other hand, it was so clear that she wanted her daddy to give her a ring. Why that turned both my husband and I into a bunch of saps is still unclear to me. I think it was the trusting expectation that she expressed. She *knew* her daddy would give her the desire of her heart.
My sweet big daddy husband, being the egalitarian daddy that he is, had to buy something for little sicky too. Not that he noticed...but it was sweet.
We are back on the virus train again. Poor baby boy is so miserable. As far as sickness goes, it's just a nasty head cold. But there is something so sad about a bubbly baby turned lethargic with swollen gunky eyes, flaming pink cheeks and a rattle cough.
Additionally, we have been wading through sleep challenges with our baby boy. No big surprise because every time I am ready to shake things up, he is, alas, sick again! We have taken to sleeping on the living room floor. At first I thought it was sad and pathetic, but it is like having a hotel room suite to myself. No slinking into the bedroom for fear of waking the baby. No anxiety as I feel myself getting tired. In fact, baby boy only has woken up 2 times the last 2 nights of this experiment! That is a VAST improvement from the 4-8 times of night waking that has driven me to the limits of human sleep deprivation.
But, scourges of illness and night waking aside both kids always keep me laughing.
Today my little girl gave me a hysterical run down of her day at drop off play group. This conversation being the gem of it all:
Me: So, what did you do today?
diva child: Simone had a ring that her daddy give her and I wanna play with it but she said no and I sad and her sad too.
Me: Really? Well, it was her ring.
diva child: mommy her have a pink ring...her daddy buy it for her. I want my daddy to buy me a purple ring. I gonna call him and tell him that.
Me: Laughing. . . we can do that!
Hours later...I am on the phone talking to a friend
Diva child: Mooomy!!? Is that Daddy?!! Tell him I want him to buy me a purple ring!!!
Me: I'm not talking to Daddy, we will tell him about the ring later.
As little sicky boy hasn't left my arms all day, the afternoon escaped us and we soon heard 'big daddy' coming up the steps.
Diva child: Daddy! Daddy! Do you have my purple ring?!! My Purple Ring!!!!
Big Daddy has no idea what she is talking about and the diva child promptly dissolves in a puddle of tears as if her betrothed had forgotten to show up on the wedding day.
So, what's a big daddy to do? Once our girly settled down she was able to explain it all. My sweet tender husband will do anything to make the tears of a girl stop. He ran out to run some errands with her and managed to pick out the perfect plastic ring for his diva child.
On one had I fear indulging an immediate 'want' to have the thing that another child has. On the other hand, it was so clear that she wanted her daddy to give her a ring. Why that turned both my husband and I into a bunch of saps is still unclear to me. I think it was the trusting expectation that she expressed. She *knew* her daddy would give her the desire of her heart.
My sweet big daddy husband, being the egalitarian daddy that he is, had to buy something for little sicky too. Not that he noticed...but it was sweet.
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