Another Special Birthday

~~~Disclaimer: I can't figure out the stupid formatting for these pictures, so you will have to figure out the chronological order all on your own!~~~

Dear Diva Child,

Nothing has altered my life in a more significant way than your arrival into my being. From the moment I knew you were there I was forever changed. I knew you were my daughter. As I walked from the medical building on Sept. 11, 2003 back to my job, my hands instinctively went to rest on my not-yet-changed belly and I acknowledged you. I knew in that instant, when it was just you and me, that my heart would swell in joy and pride and would also feel the sharp needling pain that comes with the of loving of a child....my child, my daughter, my diva child. I couldn't believe I was pregnant! It was the best most delightful surprise of my life. I could hardly contain my excitement; I was sure that I was the luckiest person alive.

You are white hot. White like the hottest star. You and I share an intensity that creates a closeness that I hardly have words for. You read my mind on a daily basis. I think something, you say it out loud. I see the wheels turning in your head and understand you. I totally get that you need your socks just so. I know that you like to snuggle, but just not too close. When you say to me "I so sustrated!!!!!(frustrated) Hmph !" I also get that. I'm sure you picked that up from me.

Now that you are three I know that you need to venture out a bit more. I am ready, sort of. I think you feel the same. I know that is why you walk so close to the edge in everything. You need to be independent, and you need to know Mama is there, no matter what. Even when you so obviously cross the line with me.

Diva Child, I love you so much. Being my first born, I am riveted by just about everything you say and do. I love your spunk, your kindness, your clear sense of self. I love your snuggles and your deep connection to me. I love that, some days, you think you want to off me so that you can marry Daddy. I love that you squeal in delight when your father walks in the door each night. It has never unsettled me, it has always made me glad that you are also so connected and attached to Daddy. I am proud of what a wonderful sister you are to Man Puppy. Your tenderness and patience with him from the first moment has humbled me. Even now that he is only a pound lighter than you and pummels you as brothers do, you maintain a sweetness...even when he grabs those bouncy curls and yanks!

Thank you for turning my life upside down and making me your Mama. I have learned so much about myself through you and because of you. I could never have foreseen how wonderful my life as a mom could be.

With all of my heart,

Mama

frustration

You know, I really want to write a really eloquent piece about the sorry state of childcare in America. I am too tired, frustrated and angry, so I will just vent.

At my massage gig there is short term childcare available. Part of me practicing where I work is that my children can play while I am giving massages. The longest they are ever there is 3 hours at a time, and that is not often. I guess I just assumed that people working there really like kids and are happy to be there. It turns out I have made all kinds of assumptions that 'made and ass out of you and me' so to speak.

Its a million little paper cuts. That is pretty much the only way I can describe the situation. There are lots of things from childcare to many other concerns but I will stick to the two most recent problems with the baby room.

I have had to explain, multiple times that Scooby-Do is not appropriate for my children to watch. My child has said out loud to the care provider in front of me that ITS TOO SCARY to then be told that it would be turned off if it 'got too scary'. HELLOOOO that is what the child just SAID.
After this happened and it had been the fourth time I had spoken to the person who works that day, I went up a level. I was told I should 'remind them each time'. I know she only sees me and my kid once a week, but I know I do not need 4 reminders about something like that. Especially when a child is standing in front of me telling me they are frightened.

I have happily packed sippy cups of rice milk or water for my kids. I have packed along things for them to eat each and every time I have gone there with my children. After several days of diarrhea from my diva child I inquired, with the not yet 3 year old, if she had shared any snacks with any other kids while at mommy's work. My child listed off a bunch of snacks she happily has shared with her friends. Except my child has a dairy allergy. I was under the, apparently misguided, impression that kids would eat what their mommies packed and that the adult there would supervise that.

Diva child has had a very very upset belly for a week now. 3-4 bad messy diapers a day and a flaming red tiny hiney to match.

Today when I very very nicely explained that my kids were only to share with each other the snacks I had provided due to allergies.....and could you, dear grown-up please help diva child with that, she turned to my child and said "No stealing snacks today diva child"....

Yeah....because not yet three year olds should be held responsible when left in the care of paid adults who are supposed to care for them and protect them.

I'm completely livid. I am trying to stay as calm and level headed as possible. I would flip out and go out in a flash of flames right this minute if I felt that I could. My kids are not being harmed in a way that will scar them for life. The snack sharing has stopped and I am formulating my exit plan. I have not yet decided what I am going to say when I go, but I am pretty sure I am going to outline the 'concerns' I have about their 'childcare'. If I felt I could energize the place and work to make it better I would in a heartbeat. The problem is, my small and valid requests are greeted with internal eye rolling....you know, they aren't actually rolling their eyes, but you feel them go as soon as your back is turned. I am the 'high maintenance mom who thinks she is so much better than all of us'. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am really nice, but I do take issue with lazy 'childcare'. I am direct, I tell them what I need, and I have never asked for anything special or outside of the range of normal. I am punctual to pick up my kids. My kids are really sweet, gentle, and well behaved.

I am so angry that I have now resorted to complaining about my job on the Internet. Openly, boldly, and without apology.

Seriously, I almost hope someone reads it. Guess what? I'm gonna quit as soon as I possibly can...like next week maybe when I figure out how I can tweak my budget to make it work.

Can a blog post be considered 'giving notice?'

Happy Birthday

Sweet Man Puppy,

You are a delight to your mama's heart. I am so happy you are mine. I could not have wished for such a perfect fit in our family. Your impish and lovey personality endear you to me every day.

At this time, one year ago, you and I were in hard labor together. It was long road getting to that day, but on May 11, 2006 it was finally time. My whole pregnancy was so different from my first. In my labor with you, I stayed focused on you, sweet boy. I talked to you, I rocked with you, I had the hardest contractions that I had ever experienced with you. Our labor was hard...very hard. I know it was hard on you too, neither of us got much of a break, and we did most of the work without the benefit of your bag of waters.

To be honest, a lot of it is a blur. We both gave it our best....we rested and gave it lots of time. In the end you made your grand debut at 6:33 pm via c-section. As we were going in for surgery I boldly proclaimed that you would weigh 9lbs 5oz. I guessed higher than anyone and I was only off by 2 oz. You weighed 9lbs 3 oz and were beautiful. You were so big and little all at once. You were never alone...my beloved midwife went right to you, then your daddy scooped you up to bring to me. I kissed your sweet face and couldn't wait to hold you!

In recovery I got to really lay eyes on you. You looked just like my side of the family, even from those first moments. You have only grown to look like me and my brother more and more each day. Your experienced mama knew how to nurse this time, and thankfully, so did you.

I delight in your very physical experience of life. As I write you are dancing around the room and now climbing on a rocking chair. The day you figured out how to roll over (at less than 3 months) started a non stop flurry of movement and activity.

Your relaxed personality is a gift to your high strung mama. You are not a fussy child and are easily pleased. Thank you. I have no idea where this quality has come from, but it is a gift to us all. I will do my best to not drive you insane with my high maintenance self. I'll work on dad and your diva sister as well.

I love you Man Puppy! Happy First Birthday!

Love,

Mama

ps thank you so much for saying mama first. I won't forget it. It will probably get you some leniency you don't deserve when you are 16.