Lots going on

We seem to have been spit out the opposite end of a long sickness filled late winter/early spring. I am so grateful. Diva child is still coughing a bit, man puppy is teething....but that is fine. After the last run of sickness, I will be careful not to complain about expected teething.

In my real, grown-up work life, things have become suddenly busy. Massage clients are coming out of the wood work, lots of doula clients are inquiring about my services. It is a feast or famine type of dynamic lately. All in the right time. I was very pleased that things were so slow from February to April as it didn't require lots of cancellations on my part.

My husband is working a lot. I am just moving back into regular doula work. I have a lot of nerves about it all....the unpredictability, the unknowns in regards to childcare, the commitment required, will it really fall into place? A doula friend of mine has a great post that pretty much sums up my feelings as well HomeGrown: The Scent of a Mother. The moving between the roles of doula and mommy can be exhausting at times. Sometimes it is just right. Energizing and great. Other times I wonder what kind of a racket I am running. Thankfully, all of my conflicting feelings over this stuff stays in its rightful place. I have yet to stress out any clients over my own childcare woes.

In the meantime, I also am soul searching about going back to school. I wonder If I should just jump in with both feet and become a midwife. It is very difficult to work in a flawed and broken system as a doula. It is sometimes downright depressing to watch the hospital system break down the prior convictions a mother held about birth right up until she becomes the patient that need curing. Would it be any better to be a midwife? In my state, certified nurse midwives have to work under an OB. I think the OB has the final 'say' in patient care in that scenario. Do I want to dive my family $70,000 in the hole (not to mention all the other sacrifices) to then be unhappy because I will be in the same pinch only providing patient care? I am going to sit on it for a bit. I'm going to keep attending births and try to see if I am more of a doula or a midwife. The roles are so different, and I need to know which one I want fill.

On a related note, I found an amazing website about Birth: The Play . On Labor Day, this play is being performed all over to promote mother friendly childbirth. They also want to get women talking to one another about their birth stories. Women need to talk to one another about their birth experiences. We need a way to discuss our births without being judged. We have all been a part of a birthing system that has harmed women and her powerful ability to give birth. Many of us have beautiful birth stories, and many of us bear the scars of forced procedures or coercion. I feel so strongly that we need to stop judging the women in the middle. It is so hard once you are in 'the machine' to do something different. The stakes are high ...no one wants harm to come to their unborn child. When women start complaining about those women who want an epidural in the parking lot, or those women who are trying to 'prove' something by having a natural birth, we all lose. The system we birth in needs lots of change, and we are all distracted by sisterly judgements and squabbles when we could be making it better for all of us AND our babies.

How we do that? Beats me.

And with that, I'm going to now be mommy to my actual kids!

Interview Meme

Thank you to Karen for the challenging interview questions!!


1. What aspects of parenting do you believe impact you most profoundly, in ways that have changed your essential you-ness?

Motherhood, in general, has reshaped my essential 'me-ness'. I have become much more patient (shocking really, as I have a long way to go in that department). I have become more willing to surrender to moments...to find the joy in small things instead of always looking ahead to the next big thing. There is much happiness and joy in living in the moment. Even now, as I write this in the middle of my traaaashed living room I am savoring the quiet of my children napping at the same time! Little joys like this are no longer lost on me. I could be all annoyed and frustrated that I can't be doing xyz...but I have learned the art of choosing happiness. Some days I am better at that than others.

In an instant, I went from me to us. For almost the entire first year of my daughter's life I referred to her and me as 'us' as if we were one unit. I know when I got married that happened to a smaller extent. While we were linked together, there wasn't the same urgency of care that happened for me with marriage. Having a child completely uprooted my sense of solitary self. My first child holds that special place in my heart as far as having been the one to blaze a trail straight into my heart and mind. I don't mean this is a freaky creepy way...more in that I really have become a more selfless person...to my kids, to my husband, and really all around. I completely still take care of me and have my own identity, but I am always juggling the important needs of my family as well. I do so with a sense of love and joy (most of the time!) because of my shared investment in who they are and who they are becoming. I want to rearrange my life for my family and who they are as individuals. I don't know that I could have ever really foreseen feeling that way before I had children.

2. Conversely, what parts of yourself are so essential to you do you see unchangeable that no amount of baby poop, spilled sippy cups and cheerios dust could ever change?

I do have a tendency to have 'itchy feet'. I love to travel and explore new places and experiences. In motherhood, I think I am adventurous in offering my children new experiences. We haven't gone on safari or anything exotic like that, but I do things like take them out for Indian food with me. Lucky for me I have been blessed with non-picky eaters, so they usually are game. I have been able to reshape my expectations a bit. I used to always carry my passport with me in the off chance I could just go anywhere at a moments notice. Our adventures are more kid centered, but my love of travel and adventure is something I hope to impart to my kids and include them in at normal levels for their ages...oh yeah, and our income!

This question is so hard for me. I feel like I keep growing and changing all of the time. When I think of myself 10 years ago I see a much less self assured young woman who was a bit overwhelmed by all the opportunities ahead. I was so lonely. I have always been really feisty and full of adventure. The anchoring of my husband and family feels like a refuge that has allowed for me to really grow into myself while surrounded by love and safety. To me, it feels a lot easier to take on the world with your peeps at your side.

3. If you guys could take a break from the kids( of course leaving them in excellent hands &knowing for sure they would not be scarred by your absence), where would you go and why there?

Ah, Karen, you seem to know me so well. Thank you for taking the mental strain off of pretend worrying about my children's psyches.

My answer is probably going to be colored by the fact that I have been convalescing sick people since February. A beach anywhere in the Mediterranean sounds great. Eating some really good Greek food...exploring some ruins. Sunning myself like a lazy cat all day with the occasional break for swimming. That pretty much sounds like heaven to me. It also sounds awfully romantic.

4. What are the things you love/hate about message boarding vs. blogging? What ways do these similarities/differences influence how you choose to spend the limited amount of time we mommies have to ourselves?

There is one message board that I really love. It is mainly a mama message board. It feels like living in a virtual community of other mama. There is a wide range of people there...from totally crunchy to self proclaimed anti crunchies. What I like about Mama Drama in particular is that there is very little moderation. You say what you mean, and mean what you say. You have every right to be offended and say your piece...but everyone owns their own words. If you are obnoxious there people will call you on it, and fast. If you have insightful, interesting, and witty things to say, you will quickly become a 'regular'. It is a small board that has a pretty decent amount of traffic. People will thoughtfully respond to threads. There is a tremendous sense of community there.

I love blogs as well but find that I am more thoughtful with my posts and comments in the blogosphere. I think that is a general difference. There are several blogs I love to read but I sometimes get overwhelmed with keeping up with it all. Some of that may be familiarity. I don't participate in many message boards, I just have the one that I participate in regularly.

But there isn't as much participation pressure with blogs. I can read and read and read and read. I am often moved...and I do comment quite a bit. I tend to blog about a specific topic that I want to really write about. I usually write it more for me than anyone else.

In a message board I am more prepared to hear other perspectives...have people agree or disagree. So far, my wee little blog hasn't been the hotbed of controversy. I do love the comments. I like that people read it. So I don't know. I like blogs and message boards for the same reason. It is a connection and community. If I feel like doing something fast paced I go to the message board. If I am more in the mood to read and write, I go to the blogs.

I have found that people can be very scathing at message boards. I know that also transpires on blogs as well, but I just haven't seen it or experienced it to the same extent as on message boards. There is also the tendency of people to 'pack up their toys and go home' on a message board. Someone who has been participating for a long time suddenly get their panties in a wad and will post a big 'screw you bitches, I'm outta here, for ever, I swear it this time'....and then they try to sneak back in a week or two. I don't really love that. Either go down in flames and never go back, or cool yourself down, take an unannounced break and come back when you are over it.

I rarely get seriously worked up at a message board or blog. I like to debate, I like to think...but if I am genuinely angry I stop. This is supposed to be fun for me, not stressful. There is too much actual heartache out there...real broken relationships in peoples lives...for me to take a message board or blog to heart.

I have yet to see the big drama whoreish goodbye for ever post or comment on a blog.

5. Describe 3 factors in your life, from childhood onwards, that are currently influencing your major parenting choices (you know hot topics like attachment, breastfeeding and homeschooling or not...)

1) My own highly sensitive personality
I would say I fall into the 'highly sensitive' personality. I have always been very sensitive and have been marked as the most sensitive person in my own family of origin. I am probably the most sensitive person in my little family as well. Because of this I think the whole attachment parenting concept resonated with me. I really wanted to impart an unshakable connection between myself and my children by being closely 'attached'. The language of all of this is annoying to me because I think most people want these things. I wanted to lay a foundation of attachment so the kids could grow into independent adults who know and love themselves. I think the balance in this is allowing them to grow. Not to stifle their development by insisting on any set stuff....(babywearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding being the big 3 of 'attachment parenting), but to use those good things and work with the child and what they need while balancing how it is all working for me as mama. As a new mom I felt very bound by an attachment 'code' of sorts. But as I have settled into this mama gig, I have become more kind to myself. My needs and tolerances are so important as well...All the babywearing in the world doesn't balance out a crabby, strung out, stressed out mama. So there really are no hard and fast rules here when it comes to child rearing philosophies.

2) I trust myself and my husband to make good parenting decisions
Given that we are both learning as we go along we know we are going to make mistakes. But I know we both love our kids so much and will make the best decisions for them as individuals. I hesitate to say that I will *never* homeschool. It isn't something that really gets me excited or speaks to my heart. But if it were in the best interest of one of my kids then I would totally consider it, research it, and give it a whirl. My kids are so little still, I hesitate to get too attached to how I think things should be or what life will be like. I have been really blessed with a pretty well behaved and compliant 2 year old. A lot of that has been her disposition. I would like to think we have done a good job teaching her as well, but man...its shaky ground when parents take all the credit. I don't wish to tempt fate or enrage mama's who have challenging kids by going there!!

3) I have high expectations
I have high hopes and expectations for my kids. I want to always encourage them to do their diva child and man puppy best. I want for them to find joy in the simple things of life while doing their best job; their own personal best. One doesn't need to compare themselves with so and so if you are just striving for your own best work. Be it in kindness, compassion, school work, sharing, a career...One doesn't have to be the brightest shining star in the universe to feel pride in giving it his or her all. I can lead an extraordinary ordinary life...with passion, love, joy...I hope that they will want that too. I believe that I parent them in a way that encourages them to do their best. I really recoil from the 'be the best of all' mentality. I don't want to set my kids up to feel like they will never measure up if they come in 'second'. I have seen really beautiful and talented people just loose their passion for life when they can't be 'first'. I would hate to see my children shy away from experiences or activities for fear of failure. So much living is lost that way.


So, the answers to #5 feel kind of esoteric and abstract...but I'm just gonna run with it.

More from me soon

As to not gross out any of my blog readers, I have taken a break from blogging so I don't venture into the uncomfortable realm of sharing the details of the violent stomach bug that has gripped my daughter the last 3 days.

I will say this...I'm glad I have a steam cleaner, electrolyte drinks stain, and maybe a movement of this bug to the lower GI tract has been just the inspiration I have needed to help my daughter use the potty every time.

Wish me luck....so far, the BRAT diet hasn't come flying out of my child today...yet.

Ah to be delightfully self absorbed

My Mother-in-law purchased an artsy children's board book called Brush Mona Lisa's Hair. It is a book that features well known works of art such as (duh) Mona Lisa, Girl with a Pearl Earring, and The Laughing Cavalier. The author's added textural stuff to the paintings such as hair on Mona Lisa, an actual earring on Girl with a Pearl Earring, and an actual lacy collar on The laughing Cavalier.

So, on page one, opposite the great work Mona Lisa the text reads:

Look inside and take a peek.
Let's play a game of find and seek.

Look at the lovely lady.
Why is she smiling?
Can you brush her messy hair?

(I am pretty sure Da Vinci would take great offense, but I digress)

So I ask Diva Child...Why is she smiling.

Mommy, she is smiling at MEEEEE! AT MEEEEEEE!!

I'm not sure about her but I am totally smiling.

Why Lollipops?

Listen universe, I have a major pet peeve to take up with you. As a mother of a soon to be 3 year old and a soon to be 1 year old I am doing my very best to feed my kids well. Thus far, I have two good non picky eaters. I am generous with 'treats', meaning good yummy sugary stuff. I am by no means stingy. I make cookies, I buy cookies. I always have a supply of dark chocolate.

My thought is that if I am going to eat something that isn't especially 'good' for me or the kids, it ought to be tasty...real....yummy. I tend to stay away from high fructose corn syrup. Did I outlaw jellybeans? No! I am a fun mommy. I let jellybeans abound for my big kid on Easter. I didn't buy them myself, but when her grandparents gave her a basket I was ready to let her eat the candy!

Grandparents have free license in my house with treats. It isn't frequent enough to be a problem...but what is everyone elses excuse?

Why oh why oh why does the rest of the world want to give my kid a lollipop? It is the day after Easter folks. We passed the bank and diva child says "Oh, Mommy, you forgot to go to the bank!! I want a lollipop". I explained that I didn't need to go to the bank and that the bank isn't actually a lollipop dispensary.

We went to the Library today. You know, the place where my kid got corrected by a librarian the millisecond she happened to run. There was a huge thing of lollipops at the check out. The mom ahead of me let her older child have one and I was the meaaaaan mommy who said no. Whatever. It was 4:45 and my husband wasn't coming home before bed time. It's not lollipop time. The little boy with the lollipop realized that I was not going to let her have one and took it out of his mouth and offered it to diva child. A sweet gesture that I quickly intercepted.

So mama decided to go to the liquor store to pick up a celebratory bottle of wine for a job well done by Big Daddy. He got his yearly merit raise and I wanted to celebrate. So we go in and my daughter ASKS the guy if they have lollipops. (Apparently at the ripe old age of 2.75 she has been in enough liquor stores to know they stock lollipops...I'm not sure what that reflects, but it probably isn't good).

He hands her a lollipop.

What's a mama to do?! How many times in one day do I want to be anti lollipop lady? I swear lollipops bring out the worst in me....it ends up with me nagging her not to chew them, picking hairs off of them, then taking it away because it is mealtime/nap time/too fuzzy to eat.

I thought balloon's were bad...at least they don't alter my child's blood sugar.

Our living room suite is, like, so last week

Just before we all got sick I posted about our new idea for sleep. It was so creative and great. Anything for more sleep, right?

I'm so over it.

It may have something to do with the fact that sick children have been coughing and wiping their snot on my pillow. Maybe the problem is that we stopped breaking the big living room bed down since we were all laying around all day. Leaving it up means that errant O's and crumbly bits of toddler funk have made their way to the place I like to sleep. How about my almost 3 year old running across it with her wet shoes on? You get the idea. It was starting to feel like a family of rats lives here. No matter if I changed the sheets, having all that kid activity happening in my 'bed' just killed the 'living room five star hotel suite' fantasy I had going on.

And here it sits...starring me down 'you know you want to take a nap...they *are* both sleeping...what's a few O's and bed peppers?'
(bed peppers=unknown sandy stuff at the end of your bed when it has been much too long between sheet changings)

I just.can't. do. it. little man puppy is sleeping in his crib in our room...diva child is sleeping in her room. That leaves the funky family nesty thing that I now believe is talking to me, or the couch...or tea and blogging.

ah...sleep is overrated anyway.

The babies are getting big!

I can't bring myself to say 'growing up'. That sounds like something you say about your teenager who has just left for the prom. Both of my kids are barreling towards their birthday's at an alarming rate. My diva child will be 3 and my little man puppy will be 1.

Karen's post on the subject sums up my feelings well. My man puppy has been walking for a few weeks now. He has 6 bruises on his head and face to prove it. He is doing really well for a walking baby! He even managed to climb up onto our couch and jump around. The look of glee was priceless.

He is also entertaining us with his bits of talking and humor. He has been signing 'all done' for about a week now. Today after I tortured him with some saline spray up his stuffy nose he was frantically flapping 'all done' and said something that sounded an awful lot like all done. Yesterday I was using a puppet to play with him. I stood up with him on my hip and he pointed at the ceiling hooks (where we hang the puppet theatre from). He was laughing and bouncing as he pointed...he wanted me to do the real deal and put on a puppet show!

This morning he asked for 'wa-wa'...water in a sippy cup. Watching language acquisition is the most thrilling thing for me. I love the tiny window into his baby brain...to know, with certainty, what he would like from me.

Another post that got me all mushy about my kids was from doodaddy. It made me remember my daughter's baby hood and 'oneness'. The year diva child was one was very special for me. We had just moved to our first purchased home. In fact, we closed on diva child's birthday. It was a great summer of diva child toddling around, talking, but still being very much a baby. We could do so many more things now that she was bigger and we understood her better. I was soon pregnant with man puppy. I really savored the time that I had at home with just me and diva child. I had no idea what I was in for with a second child, but I knew the time I had with my daughter was special.

To see the little girl my diva child is growing into ....it is staggering to me. The only remnant of her babyhood are the diapers. Her face is delicate but determined. The pudgy cheeks have melted into cheekbones and big eyes. Her legs and arms are so long! She is so little and big at the same time. Her three word sentences are much, much longer and articulate. The baby who never left my lap, breasts, or sling, now is orchestrating tea parties, disciplining her dolly's (with a striking resemblance to how I have redirected her earlier in the day), and playing with her little brother with much laughter and squealing.

The two of them adore each other. They have a connection that is entirely outside of their relationship with me and big daddy. Seeing that develop from my pregnancy to today is poignant.

ode to my lost voice

I have made it out alive
Just hoping for the best
I never thought I would survive
what I really need is rest

mommying with out a voice
with a toddler and a babe
If given this or that choice
I say, take an afternoon in the shade (okay it doesn't *really* rhyme, give a mama a break)

When a mommy whispers stop! the toddler tantrums on
it takes lots of sounds like shhhst!! until the moment is now gone

whaaaah whaaaah whaaaah cries the babe with the ear infection
Today I learned you can use a silent puppet to gain his affection

with toys all around me
I am brewing some tea
dreaming Ive been sent to the sanatorium, to recover by the sea

big daddy better come home quick, groceries in his possession
So now I can move on to my latest obsession

laying on my living room floor, like we have rented a suite
watching my new cable tv, having something to eat.

little voice where have you gone...hurry home once more
because this mama is SO DONE and I need to talk at the family I adore.

So here are the stats

Yesterday I woke up feeling like such complete crap that I was afraid of today, Monday morning. My husband works a lot of hours and is working on his Masters as well. Monday is the marathon day in which he leaves well before 7 and gets home well after 8...rendering him useless to me in regards to parenting of any kind.

There have been ads running here for the MinuteClinic. I was all on my 'health care is so bad in America now that we are openly admitting that we can't get in to see our primary care physician when we are ACTUALLY sick bla bla bla bla bla" high horse. I swore (when I was feeling perfectly well) that hell would freeze over before I would go to see the McDoctor.

Well, Sunday morning at about 8 am my attitude was rapidly changing. Much like when it is 6 pm and somehow I am driving around with two hungry children and I end up tossing french fries back at them while I make my way home from a long day of whatever.

It has been a long while since I have been this sick. The idea of dragging my sorry sick self to the Ped office today then to my MD...All of the phone calls and busy signals at 9 am...

I googled Minute Clinic. In network with my insurance...a 20 buck co-pay on a Sunday. I was so there!

So I have: Bronchitis, a sinus infection, pink eye, and now laryngitis. I have.no.voice. None what so ever.

Enough about me, the kids are really worse off. We took them to see their ped yesterday afternoon. I LOVE them. I really really love them.

Diva child, who was not very diva like all weekend is miserable. She has pink eye in both eyes with copious amounts of eye snot, bronchitis, and really sadly not her spunky self. By the time we got home from the ped and pharmacy, she was begging to go to bed. No dinner, just begging for sleep. She has never asked to go to bed ever. It is now almost 8 am and I can count on one hand the times she has slept this late.

Baby boy, has bronchitis, an ear infection, and the last sputters of pink eye. He is much better save the fact that he has mistaken me for a human sippy cup and his blankie. He literally had to 'sleep' (if we can loosely call what it was we were doing last night sleep) on me intermittently nursing. He has to be feeling pretty bad as that has never been his habit for an entire night.

We are an attractive bunch! Wish me all the luck in the world as I whisper no no's and hey, stop swiping toys, and look out! That will hurt baby!

My husband has yet to succumb to the scourge, but he woke up with a scratchy throat. We shall see if he stays all big daddy manly man on me and goes to work through it all, hacking on everyone in his group of cubicles.