Lots going on

We seem to have been spit out the opposite end of a long sickness filled late winter/early spring. I am so grateful. Diva child is still coughing a bit, man puppy is teething....but that is fine. After the last run of sickness, I will be careful not to complain about expected teething.

In my real, grown-up work life, things have become suddenly busy. Massage clients are coming out of the wood work, lots of doula clients are inquiring about my services. It is a feast or famine type of dynamic lately. All in the right time. I was very pleased that things were so slow from February to April as it didn't require lots of cancellations on my part.

My husband is working a lot. I am just moving back into regular doula work. I have a lot of nerves about it all....the unpredictability, the unknowns in regards to childcare, the commitment required, will it really fall into place? A doula friend of mine has a great post that pretty much sums up my feelings as well HomeGrown: The Scent of a Mother. The moving between the roles of doula and mommy can be exhausting at times. Sometimes it is just right. Energizing and great. Other times I wonder what kind of a racket I am running. Thankfully, all of my conflicting feelings over this stuff stays in its rightful place. I have yet to stress out any clients over my own childcare woes.

In the meantime, I also am soul searching about going back to school. I wonder If I should just jump in with both feet and become a midwife. It is very difficult to work in a flawed and broken system as a doula. It is sometimes downright depressing to watch the hospital system break down the prior convictions a mother held about birth right up until she becomes the patient that need curing. Would it be any better to be a midwife? In my state, certified nurse midwives have to work under an OB. I think the OB has the final 'say' in patient care in that scenario. Do I want to dive my family $70,000 in the hole (not to mention all the other sacrifices) to then be unhappy because I will be in the same pinch only providing patient care? I am going to sit on it for a bit. I'm going to keep attending births and try to see if I am more of a doula or a midwife. The roles are so different, and I need to know which one I want fill.

On a related note, I found an amazing website about Birth: The Play . On Labor Day, this play is being performed all over to promote mother friendly childbirth. They also want to get women talking to one another about their birth stories. Women need to talk to one another about their birth experiences. We need a way to discuss our births without being judged. We have all been a part of a birthing system that has harmed women and her powerful ability to give birth. Many of us have beautiful birth stories, and many of us bear the scars of forced procedures or coercion. I feel so strongly that we need to stop judging the women in the middle. It is so hard once you are in 'the machine' to do something different. The stakes are high ...no one wants harm to come to their unborn child. When women start complaining about those women who want an epidural in the parking lot, or those women who are trying to 'prove' something by having a natural birth, we all lose. The system we birth in needs lots of change, and we are all distracted by sisterly judgements and squabbles when we could be making it better for all of us AND our babies.

How we do that? Beats me.

And with that, I'm going to now be mommy to my actual kids!